I called it

*OMG! SPOILERS!*

Just for the record, I called it: The Hulkling being a Skrull. I made this prediction, if not out loud, at least to myself. He's actually semi-Skrull. Or Skrull-related. Maybe twice removed second cousin to the Skrulls, I don't really know. But I called it. Of course I didn't have a blog at the time when it first came out, therefore there is no internet proof of this anywhere to validate my claims, but it happened.

For my next prediction?

I'm going to say that the foe in X-men: Deadly Genesis is an original member of the Giant Sized X-men # 1 team that had to be imprisoned in space and erased from everyone's memories because of intimate relations with a certain famous Sabretooth Tiger from the Savage Land on an X-men mission. Due to society's disdain for man-animal love back in the 70s in addition to the Sabretooth's jealous lover(whose long tenure in the uncivilized Savage Land now seems to make perfect sense), Professor Xavier had to mindwipe his merry band of mutants from remembering him. Although Professor Xavier is normally against such things as tampering with an unwilling mind, he considered the number of animal-like heroes and villians in the Marvel 616 and decided not to be the first super hero team with a member whose powers included bestiality. It wasn't much latter until Moon Knight and Tigra got it on as members of the West Coast Avengers that Professor X gave his ok for his X-men to do the same.

Now that most of the mutants have lost their powers, resulting in some weird kind of space explosion, this mysterious member of the X-men is back. Horny and mad about it, I believe its safe to say that mutants like Beast, Angel, Mandrill, and Wolfsbane had better watch their asses.

I've been gone for a long time

Not really, but it feels like it. You would think that with something like unemployment on your side(don't worry, I got my old job back), you would find more time for things like updating your boring blog, but nonetheless, I did not. We could blame the holidays for that, I'm sure. I feel a little out of it in terms of up-to-date-ness. I mean, Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein came out and I didn't even get a chance to bash it. Because really, it was the one that I wanted to like the most however it was the most disappointing of all the #1s. And oh my god, did you read the new Daredevil? Horrible fight scenes, but dang, that twist? Nice. Bendis coming strong on his last hurrah. All I can say is that if this Ronin person turns out to be a chick underneath that mask, I'm gonna be pissed. Unless of course its a ladyboy under there. Then I'll probably be slightly aroused in that "I just bought the Homage Studios Swimsuit and now I'm going to go read it in the bathroom" kind of way. Who would have ever thought that a member of wack ass StormWatch could be so hot...

Ok, enough of that. Carry on with your life.

Work? What's that?

You know what's great about not working? You get shit done! Such as:


Watching the new Superman trailer!

Is it really that hard to get a good shot of Supes flying? This one is dark and blurry, and god damn, if it doesn't make me want to see some more of him soaring through the air in his underwear. I just hope that we get more super hero ass kicking screen time on this movie than we did on Spider-man 2. All in all, it looks good and should have everyone I know asking me all kinds of stupid questions such as "So does this take place after that movie with Richard Pryor?" and what not.



Reading Night Fisher!

Bought this two weeks ago and finally read it this morning. Its a story about a lonely straight A student in Hawaii named Loren and his induction into the world of Methamphetamines. All the proper characters are there. There's Shane, the "cool" friend who is there to get Loren into trouble, thus giving our story a plot. The Dad is around to highlight the distance that Loren is surrounding himself with as well provide a means of punishment when Loren fucks up. Lacey, the summer fling, shows up every now and then to remind Loren of his loneliness. An obnoxious kid at school, Jem, is in the picture to show illustrate the consequences that come when you take the partying a little too far. And then there's their tweaker comrade-in-arms, Eustace and Jon, to authenticate the whole thing.

R. Kikuo Johnson's art reminds me very much of Paul Pope's, in that its heavy on the thick lines along with the excellent use of positive and negative space. The subject matter of young kids having reckless fun helps to further justify the comparison, too. Johnson throws in the random visual trick here and there, like utilizing diagrams to of how a knot is tied side by side with panels of Loren tieing the knot himself. Subext like this reminds us that Loren is still somewhat the Boy Scout character that is portrayed in an earlier scene of a flashback involving the innocence he had when marijuana first entered his life in the 7th grade. Except, now its the 12th grade and this time its speed.

Despite the fact that it can read like a subdued graphic novel version of Better Luck Tomorrow, its a pretty good book that I think everyone should check out.



The great thing about having The Girlfriend work at a major toy company is that when you get laid off, you get cool things like the Spider-man TV game! Haven't played it yet, but I will. Do you think that she wants me to slack off enough so that I won't ever look for a job resulting in my complete and total dependence upon her for everything I need and do?

Damn devil woman..

Marvel Feb Solicits

Well the Marvel solicitations for February are up over at Newsarama.com so I figured....what the hell. Let's take a look.


Slott, Bobillo, and Horn has successfully kept up the tradition of having She-Hulk break through the fourth wall by giving me a boner.


I have no idea what's going here, but it appears that Daredevil is not above manipulating confused girls into giving him oral sex and the Vision is into weird cosplay girls that have funny looking boobs.





Considering the high amount of tentacle-themed covers we have coming up in February, I think Marvel has decided it is a safe time into tap some of that Manga market and release a hentai styled Max comic staring Doc Ock and Jessica Jones by May or June. July at the latest.


Nothing sarcastic here, just a kick ass cover.


More non-sarcasm. Is that not fucking awesome or what?



"Can I trade you my Mike Allred Doctor Strange and Mr. Sensitive for your Cheerleader Slut Mary Jane with Stomach pump? Pretty please?"


Big Boobs? Check. Complicated and confusing back story with major changes that never stuck? Check. Female super hero character that's been around forever, but no one is really into? Check. Yep. Looks like Marvel has found their Power Girl.


Ghost Rider's got some crazy huge flaming microphone. Does he do Karaoke or something? Knowing him, he'll probably do something easy like "Sweet Caroline." What a puss.


Ha ha. Spider-man caught you filling out an online dating ad. You nerd.


"Dude! I got the best idea EVER for a comic book. Apocalypse. From the X-men comics. Against Dracul-, no wait, that's a stupid idea."


Well, at least I'll have a nice looking Jae Lee cover to look at when I pass this book up at the comic shop in February.


"I'm sorry to say, Mr. Apocalypse, but the surgery was unsuccessful. You're still a lame ass X-men villian. Please forgive us."

Some Bendis-related photoshop fun..



Its funny because its true!


Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing when you saw it at Newsarama.

Now that I joined the Legion of the Undead

In other words, I have become unemployed, here's a quick list of things I need to do:

• Learn how to sustain myself on the brain of others. Start with the dogs first, the roommate next, then move to The Girlfriend and The Band.


• Get a new wardrobe. Polyster pants and Cowboy shirts don't really fit the whole "disheveled zombie glam" look.


• Get in shape. All that aimless, roaming to and fro can take its toll on you.


• Get a pair of nice walking shoes.


• Stop showering completely. You can't smell like a graveyard has popped up in your nether regions when you're washing yourself with Axe body wash.


• Stop cleaning my room.


• Start smoking in bed.


• Get in good with the locals at the bar down the street. Drinking during the day is way more fun when you have some other jobless schmuck to do it with.


• Update the blog more.


• Stay away from those with the ability to control the undead. Don't need to get caught up with any crazy causes.

Wish me luck!

DC February 2006 Solications

I couldn't resist, but don't worry. I just picked out the highlights of the month. Enjoy!


This cover just says that you can have a guy in red and blue tights with a cape who is holding up a tank while flying, and all everyone wants to do is look at Wonder Woman's breasts.


Illusions, Michael. Tricks are what whores do for money.


Holy Shoulder Missles, Superman! What will Grant Morrison think of next?! And look at that alternate cover by....Ed Benes? Wait a second, there's no All Star Superman coming out this month!? Fuck!!!


If Ed McGuinness had become a clown, his balloon animals would have brought joy to kids all over the world, garnering him international acclaim and success. He opted to draw comic books instead.


Three things we learned from this cover:

1. Don't fuck with Supergirl. She can knock Superman's concrete like kryptonite teeth out with one punch.
   
2. Batman deals with rampaging Kryptonians by dancing. Badly.
   
3. Wonder Woman is still lame.
   

Earth-2 Lois Lane wants Superboy's wang.


There has to be some kind of term that describes the level of perversity that this picture involves, but K-Box isn't returning my emails.


There was a joke about horny fanboys giving new meaning to the word "solo" utilizing this altered cover, but considering that this was the first thing I thought of when I first saw the original, the joke's pretty much on me.


Somewhere on the east coast, Beaucoup Kevin is touching himself right now.


I want to say that this story involves inter-planetary slavers that capture the Teen Titans and sells them to a alien named Brodius(that likes to wear board shorts and hates it when people stare at his "not so good eye") who makes the Titans act out episodes of "My So Called Life" Cirque Soleil style. I'm probably wrong, though.


"Whose your most disliked Backstreet boy!"


Just as Flash was about to SpeedForce Cabbage Patch his way into victory at the 48294th Annual Apokolips Zero-G Dance Off, his ear exploded from the high air pressure, assuring yet another win for Wonder Woman.


What is supposed to be some Golden Age Supes vs. the Emo Crybaby Supes action, just looks like a cock and balls with a choad that can punch the hell out of anything.


That Hal Jordan sure is a man's man.


Howard Chaykin is a pervert. Go read Black Kiss and find out for yourself.


Ahh.. Isn't Bat-kitty just so dang cute?

Man-period

man pe·ri·od

1. A brief period of time, typical 3-5 days, in which a male experiences a sense of displeasure with the day to day activities such as work, blogging, drinking, socializing, and reading comics, for no apparent reason at all, occuring on a quarterly or bi-annual basis. I don't know what's up, I'm probably on my man-period.
   

I have no clue where that came from, but we'll just blame it on a bad comics week and move on. Oh, there was also that little bit with having to leave the Broken Social Scene show early because The Girlfriend was sick from her flu shot. And that dumb party, but I won't bore you with the details. Many thanks to a Monday night that consisted of a really good band practice, The Girlfriend being her usual cute self, and hanging out with an old friend. And of course these very nice words of encouragement.

Speaking of sissy la las, I found this interesting quote from Joe Casey at yesterday's Basement Tapes:

On my last year of writing ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN, I made a conscious choice to portray Superman as a superhero pacifist. Sounds kinda' high and mighty, but the way I approached it was with a very simple rule for myself... I didn't have Superman throw a punch for twelve entire issues.

Now, had I just stayed with that and just let the stories play out, there would've been no problem. But I took it one step too far... I had Superman say he was a pacifist. Out loud. Well, the Super-fans weren't too keen on that one and I can see why.

And here we were blaming all this on the Voltron-like monster that formed when Dan Didio, Geoff Johns, Greg Rucka, and Judd Winick decided to take over the DCU. It was Joe Casey! .

It kind of makes you wonder what an emo, pacifist Superman would be like. Was he just hanging out on the top of Skyscrapers will listening with his super-hearing to his Appleseed Cast cd back at his apartment? Was he painting pictures with trees and tractors? Was there lots and lots of lamenting about how life was so much easier BEFORE he found out he was Superman? Did the dialobical Lex Luthor show up, proclaiming his sinister plan to take over the world only to have Superman shrug and say "whatever"?

Then again, I've read Infinite Crisis # 1, so I guess that solves that mystery.

Joe Casey is an alright guy. After listening to his interview at Word Balloon(which is a very entertaining podcast hosted by John Siuntres, a radio personality whose 15 years of on-air experience definitely show), I have decided that Joe Casey is not so bad.

I've never been a big fan of his work, as he has always been a creator that seems to live in other people's shadows, at least to me. Picked up his Uncanny X-men, however it did not provide the same level of "Wow-ness" that I got from Morrison's New X-men. I was very much interested in his Wildcats 3.0 for a few seconds, but then quickly realized that I was only hanging around because of my nostalgia for an earlier version of the team and Dustin Nguyen's art. Casey's slow pace set along with the concept that should have just been a painting on the wall instead of the whole room really did not help. And Earth's Mightiest Heroes came in the middle of a time when a writer I really liked at time, Brian Michael Bendis, was starting his run on Avengers. That, in addition to my ability to physically only consume one Avengers book a month, I decided to pass. If the reviews are true, I definitely made a bad choice on that. Then again, Youngblood Strike File was better than Avengers: Disassembled. An ex-girlfriend once bought an issue of Automatic Kafka that was a little bit interesting, but I left it at that. With somewhat lackluster runs on Uncanny X-men and Wildcats 3.0 Mr. Casey really had no chance.

And besides the comics, well.....I once saw his band, the Sellouts, open up for Pinback. Not my kind of music for sure, but whatever. However, Joe Casey's performance as a lead singer/guitarist? It made me laugh out loud at numerous points during their set. On top of some not so great Joe Casey comics, I was writing the guy off for being a little bit cheesy on stage. Sometimes I just can't help it.

After listening to his interview, I have decided to give him another chance. I've always enjoyed the Basement Tapes, even if it can seem a little too self-aware of itself. There's no other columns like that on the internet right now that I can find. And that's what comics need. Go listen to his interview when you get a chance. The guy's funny, intelligent, sensible, down to earth, and clearly in love with comics just like the rest of us.

...

But I do have to ask: Werewolves? On The Moon? What the fuck's up with that?

Blogging about comics is hard

I just don't know how they do it. After, what, a month of blogging about comics, I'm slowly running out of idiotic things to say. I'm having an Earth-2 Leight moment sans the fabulous.

I started a blog right around the time when Seven Soldiers # 0 came out, thinking that I could add something to this comic blogosphere. I quickly removed it from the World Wide Web when I found myself to be just another disenchanted voice who was upset with what the Big Two were doing with my beloved characters. Its one thing to offer up some kick ass commentary on comics on the day-to-day or weekly basis, its another to be just another angry dude. And not that being angry is bad, especially when you're funny about it. Taking comics down a notch or two provides for some very good entertainment. I am just afraid that I'll fall into the ass end of that aggro-comic book commentary that I'm almost ready to just say "fuck it" again to this whole blogging business.

ALMOST.

Then again, all this talk is just a result from being a bit miffed at last week's pull list. And what did I pull?

Gotham Central: Brubaker took the thunder with him, but damn, I think a Steve Lieber pencilled Captain Marvel Comic would make for a good buy.
Ultimate Spider-man: I think I disliked this by proximity of disliking House Of M.
DMZ: A high concept sundae sprinkled with little bits of crap dialogue.

And that was it. In my recent resolution to go to trades, I have found my current intake of comics changing to more independent work like the magnificent Palestine by Joe Sacco(that I just can't put down) and the Night Fisher which I bought in lieu of the 10-15 weekly titles I would have picked up had my buying habits not changed.

My contributions to the group-think on the weekly comic book buying experience are slowly drying up as my "must buying monthly" list slowly dwindles(I think we're at five titles, with Gotham Central leaving the fold as its cancellation has been reported just today at Newsarama). And I fear I don't have the proper lexicon to do a good job of reviewing the smarty arty indies that will be flooding in to fill the gap.

So yeah. I think things will be changing around here a bit. Don't know exactly what that means, but whatever the future may hold, it will still include comics in this whole shebang. Fuck for all I know, this blue moment will end tomorrow and I'll be back to same old shit.

Finding myself contemplating the future of my crappy comic book blog is EXACTLY why I didn't want to start a crappy comic book blog in the first place.

MySpace whores

Ok, fess up. We all know you're a bunch of myspace whores. Its ok. I'm one, as well. Two times! So you have to laugh at this:

The First Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards!

They take kids with lame haircuts and compare them to Marvel characters. Comedy gold, for sure.

Ten bucks say that Warren Ellis is friends with at least 4 of these people. Can you guess which ones?

Celebrity Gossip Bloggers are laughing at us

But its funny, so I'll forgive them for it.

The Bulleteer # 1

The Girlfriend caught me reading this. She called me a pervert. I tried to explain to her the grand scope of Grant Morrison's hair-brained experiment with sequential art using D-list super heroes from the DC Universe and how I have to keep reading this cheesecake boobwar comic lest I get left in the dust. She asked me what "boobwar" meant. I showed her how our heroine is a victim of her sexually deviant husband who wants her to become a super hero so that they can stay eternally young, much like the girls that he sees on his super hero teen sex sites that he visits secretly. She searched my browser history for super hero teen sex sites that I might have visited secretly. I told her about Klarion the Witchboy, the pariah from an underground puritan society that raise their dead to help them to work the fields. She brought up the fact that I was raised Mormon. I explained to her about the journey through Time and Space that our Shining Knight Justin went through and how at the end he turned out to be a she, much to the surprise of Gloriana Tenebrae, Queen Sheeda Supreme. She brought up the fact that I used to play D & D in junior high. I told her that she was dumb and I'm going to keep reading my Bulleteer regardless of what she thought of me. She called me a pervert again.

Wintermen # 3

Wintermen # 3

In the tradition of our F.I.W.O.T.T hating friend from Listen to Us, We're Right, I am going to show you what kind of exciting dialogue you kids are missing out on:













That last one is the best. Lewis and Leon are the like the Hall and Oates of comics!

I'm sure there's kind of crazy hilarious hiaku in those pages somewhere but I don't possess the comic book analytical powers that belong to Scipio.

Are some of you still not reading this?

Stray Bullets # 40

This book has become a bit of lamer as of late. Its good. I like it. Shit still gets all crazy. Virginia Applejack is still kicking ass or getting her ass kicked, but its lost a little bit of its randomness. Ever since the "Dark Days" arc, its sticking more to the stories that span several issues instead of doing the all-in-one-issue story. Granted, the story arcs still jump around randomly, rotating between the various different members of the cast and showing their place in the story, that eventually pays off with some kind of end result, its not the same.

Virginia, now back in Baltimore and in high school, has been having an all out war with some punk ass highschool kids. Things heat up, get crazy, and you wonder how fucking cruel kids must have been to Mr. Lapham when he was a teenager himself. This issue focuses on the deaf father of Kevin, one of the highschool kids that is terrorizing Virginia. In addition to being deaf, he's harboring a secret that he is constantly nervous about others possibly discovering. This combination of suspense along with his handicap provides a story that was a little bit hard to understand at first. Kevin's father's handicap became my handicap. Events unfold around Kevin's father, who, when he has his hearing aid turned on, tries to ignore or hide from them. Being home on a work day because he's tending to his little secret turns into a confrontation between himself and his son, who is ditching school to beat up a kidnapped Virginia. When I was reading the scenes where Kevin is torturing Virginia, it took a second for me to decide if Kevin's father was ignoring him or just not hearing the commotion that was going on.

Maybe I'm an idiot. I don't know. Stray Bullets just hasn't been the same since before "Dark Days" and this is no different. Its good. I'm going to keep buying it as its one of the comics that I have been following and enjoying for the past 5 years or so, but really...

I think I just miss Beth. Virginia is cool, but Beth is O.G.

House Of M # 8

Taking a page from the boys over at 2 Guys Buying Comics, I'm just going to post these things one comic at a time. My reading habits as of late are a bit slow, so I don't see any reason to hold off on the insults until I've read all of my weekly comics. So without further ado...


House Of M # 8

So here we are. In a world with no mutants. Now, Joe Q can say things like "You know, I think their has been too many mutants. Let's put the LID on mutants. Take it back to a day when they were feared and hunted. Now its EXCITING. Now the world of the X-Men is ASTONISHING. Now we can get things ready for them to come BACK. We can watch characters like RUSTY and SKIDS go through the long journey of regaining their powers. Hey, we can even bring Jean Grey back. You think they forgot the fact that we only killed Jean Grey a year and a half ago? Someone call Bendis."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And of course they take out a few characters from New X-Men Academy. Big deal. And will, there is that one member of the original five X-men that lost his powers... Oh, and that other mutant, who hates all humans or something. But really, they should have took more chances. Instead of all of the Decimation books, we could the February previews look something like this...

COLOSSUS: DEEP UNDER COVER

WRITTEN BY: WARREN ELLIS
PENCIL BY: DARICK ROBERTSON
COVER BY: GREG LAND

Reeling from House Of M's reprecussions, Colossus is a mutant no more! How does the Russian deal with a world that no longer fears and hates him? Longing to be ostracized and in the middle of the action once again, Piotr Rasputin signs up for an experimental transformation process which will imbue him with superhuman strength. Instead of turning into metal...he has turns into a woman! With great tits!

Drafted by a newer, more rotten S.H.I.E.L.D., Piotr becomes a super spy who most use his he-she powers of seduction along with his combat experience to go deep undercover and fight, sleep, and smoke his way to the highest echelons of Russia's Red Room. And what Union Jack wants with this Russian bombshell super spy is anyones guess! To top it all off, Piotr has become the victim of the lewd sexual advances of Lenin's Ghost! Transgendered Super Hero Espionage Supernatural Action?! You saw it here first, True Believers.

32 PGS./T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP ...$2.50


BOBBY

WRITTEN BY: CHRIS CLAREMONT
PENCIL BY: ADRIAN ALPHONA
COVER BY: GREG LAND

What's a mutant to do once he loses his powers? Act! Bobby Drake, formely known as Iceman of the X-men, has moved to Los Angeles and now waits tables between rehearsals! Watch Bobby as he tries his best to hold down a job at a vegan Melrose Cafe, make it to acting class on time, network with other aspiring actors and actresses, and pay his cell phone bill!

5 months in LA with only a commercial and 2 line part in an independent film to his resume, Bobby is starting to feel the strain. But hopes are up as he's finally gotten himself a date with his co-worker, Jenna. After a dinner at the Electric Lotus and few drinks at the Beauty Bar, will Bobby be able to score? And what are all those whips and chains in Jenna's closet for...? Kind of makes you wonder if the Human Torch ever had it this bad.

32 PGS./T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP ...$2.50


DRACONIAN: MAN OF THE CLOTH

WRITTEN BY: J. D. Finn
PENCIL BY: GREG CAPULLO
COVER BY: GREG LAND

Robbed of his mutant powers, the X-Men known as Nightcrawler is now only Kurt Wagner. And he's pissed! Believing him to be renounced by God himself, Kurt embarks upon an unholy war against the Church. Armed with an armory that could take out an Army, Kurt starts his war in the Bible belt. Snake Handlers beware!

But his actions haven't gone unnoticed. Infuriated by his son's loss, Azazel seeks out Kurt to give him a second chance! Witness the first appearance of the Draconian, as he partakes in unholy communion only to become the most heavily armed half demon this side of Hades! This shit is fucking metal!

32 PGS./T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP ...$2.50

They write themselves. I swear. My only regret is that I don't have the time to make some photoshopped Greg Land covers.

Belated Halloween related post

The only thing nerdier than dressing up in a Spider-man costume for Halloween...



...is dressing up in a Spider-man costume, then putting on regular clothes over it.



Nobody knows what you mean when you say you're Peter Parker for Halloween. And having to take a piss becomes a full on strip show. Next year I'll just buy a flash ring and say I'm Wally West.