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Sunday, December 18, 2005

Whatever happened to...


While googling the term, "comic book news reporter"(don't ask why, its top secret), I came across this MarvelFamily.com tidbit which led me to this ComicBookResources.com tidbit from July of 2003 about Grant Morrison going DC exclusive.

In terms of DC's projects with DC, one of the six will be with Frank Quitely and Morrison admits to having an idea for Captain Marvel Junior, the guy he calls the "blue guy." He wants to do less cerebral work and do more "heartbreaking" work, such as his "Animal Man," which Morrison read recently and said brought him to tears. One of these will be an Islamic sci-fi series and another called "Indestructible Man," a Kirby-esque series. Another series was called "We3," though CBR News must admit to the language barrier potentially causing a mangling of that title.


"Indestructible Man", I seen neither hide nor hair of any such series. Although there are homages to Kirby's work in Seven Soldiers, I don't know if I would call it Kirby-esque. As for the "blue guy", with the big shake up to Captain Marvel's world in Day Of Vengeance, it would make sense for Morrison to come along and breath new life into the Captain Marvel family. So there you go. Grant Morrison working on Captain Marvel Junior and "Indestructible Man." You heard it hear first....for the...third time?

My only request is that they get Steve Lieber to draw it.


March DC Solicitations

There's some interesting quip about being behind the curve, but I won't bore you with all that. Although Newsarama posted DC's March Solicitations, what, like years ago, its never too late to poke a little fun. With that, I bring you...

Spencer joshing on the March DC Solicitations



Do you think they're going to sell costumes like that next Halloween? And if so, would The Girlfriend wear one? That would take my Jimmy Olsen/Lois Lane fantasy to All-Star new levels...



Acknowledge our existence, you cow!



My toilet humor knows no bounds.



Err..you got this one, right Clark?



What we have here is clearly a misuse of police powers.



Yeah, I'd take Firestorm in the Marvel U just as along as there was no hidden clause that said we had to take Aquaman, too.



"A few times I've been around that track so it's not just gonna happen like that, cause I ain't no hollaback girl...I ain't no hollaback girl...."

Oh, you totally know that's what they're blasting out of that helicopter stereo.



Ain't that a shame. Selina went all "South Beach Diet" on us and lost all that ass up in them jeans.



"You take back what you said about Brute & Babe being a horrible comic! Now!"



Cruel and unusual punishment is making me wait until March for Wintermen # 4. Le sigh...



That is uh....a little disturbing, yes, but a mighty fine cover nonetheless.



Byrne is an ass, but that cover is bitchin' wicked.



If J. H. Williams was a kitty, I'd snuggle with him every night while watching Conan...



Is this good? By default I should like it because its Wildstorm, but I'm still not over that whole Wildstorm Rising business...



About fucking time, DC.



Hey cover artist for Robin! Its called "perspective!" Use it!



Whatever, Bruce.



You don't say..





Last but not least...

Bat Kitty strikes again! Yes!

I do love me some Paul Pope

Friday, December 16, 2005

Chuck Norris does not cry

Chuck Norris Fever seems to have stricken the internet like a rampaging fury, kicking ass and karate chopping its way all over your immune system. To add to the plague that is sweeping the nation, I give you the Top Thirty Random Chuck Norris Facts (courtesy of Tony.)

My favorite?

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Booya, indeed.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Speakeasy Dilemma

Thank's to Rich Johnston's newest installment of Lying In The Gutters, everyone is weighing in on the subject, and Mark Fossen and Jog are keeping wonderful track of it, with Mark offering up a very interesting take on how to solve this problem. Me, I'm still trying to figure out the last few issues of Seven Soldiers. That and come up with some witty jokes for DC's March Solicitations.

My first and foremost concern is Matt Maxwell's Strange Ways which I have had the very fortunate pleasure of reviewing(which should be up in the next few days as the book is due to hit stores on 12/21, per Matt's comments in the comment section of this post from his blog). Being able to read and enjoy the first issue before it hits the stands, I have the privileged chance of being little more invested in the book than any other. Even if it was just reading a preview issue, I have this weird sense of attachment to it. With the news of Speakeasy's policy regarding order numbers on books making the rounds, there's an even more luminous air of uncertainty surrounding Strangeways. Granted, putting out an independent comic is always a risky endeavor, its a shame when all that hard work faces the possibility of being co-opted into an online experience that's free of charge and expected to stay that way. You can always charge for it, but I believe if someone was going to pay for a comic, they would do it at the comic shop.

When I was faced with unemployment a few weeks back, The Girlfriend asked me what I really wanted to do. I told her that I wanted to get a job in a comic shop or record store and just say fuck all to everything else. She replied, no, what do you REALLY want to do?

"Become a Rock Star. That, or makes comics. Either way, I'm completely fucked by the business models that run both worlds, but at least I get to do something creative."

New Blogs Added To The Sidebar

In the recent weeks I've come across some new-to-me comic book blogs that I felt the need to share with you all. In alphabetical order:


  • Brill Building : I'm sure everyone knows about this one, and I must admit, I have been meaning to add Ian to the links section for quite some time, I just got lazy. Ian's wide eyed, enthusiastic outlook towards comics always comes off in a way that makes me believe he's new to the game, when in fact, he's been reading comics for awhile. He's not the jaded kind of blogger like so many of us on the internet, which is always refreshing. If only his college education was over with, we'd get more updates.

  • The Gentle Scent of Pee In Your Longbox : This is my Fan Boy Rampage. A group blog on LiveJournal that points out interesting little things of comic book related nerdness on the internet. Sometimes funny, sometimes informational, all good stuff.

  • Ken Lowery Presents: Ringwood : Updated on a very irregular basis, when it does, its good. Making me feel bad for not liking The Comics Journal is no easy feat, but Ken Lowery did it.

  • So So Silver Age : This blog is the double whammy of an arch-nemesis. Its DC-centric and ran by girls! That's grounds for war! Really though, as I slowly sink into the juicer bits of DC's back catalogue, its interesting to read some very well written commentary on characters like Hal Jordan. Homoerotic blank days posts are fun, too.

  • Written World : Ragnell's blog is a bit like the So So Silver Age, except her hatred of the women of DC almost makes her a double agent. That or Devin Grayson in disguise. I haven't decided yet. She also gets bonus points for being funny.

  • Zilla and the Comic Junkies : Zilla's blog is well designed and fun. Zilla's an unabashed fan of super hero comics and it shows. The panel of the day is a nice little added touch.


Blog of note : Earth-2 Leigh's The House Of L. Leigh is funny and doesn't update his shit enough for me. Maybe if everyone bugs him, we get some more funny tidbits about glowing vaginas and the Goddamn Flatman. And he was the first to spoof the Sexy Chix with Hunk Dudez.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

iron lungfish said it best

I would have emailed him or her first for their permission, but iron lungfish does not leave such calling cards, so I hope it won't cause that much of an uproar. A few posts back I was discussing my dislike for the last issue of Zatanna. In all honesty, these latter issues of Grant Morrison's Seven Soldiers are confusing the hell out of me and making me feel like a god damn moron. "Everyone else is liking it. Why aren't I? Is something wrong with me? Is it because I have red hair? Why!?!?" That's the conversation in my head.

Enter iron lungfish with the critical karate:

Okay, this is why Zatanna #4 sucked: the villain of the series should at least be mentioned before they show up for the big climactic final fight. I read the last issue, re-read all the others, and still couldn't find how this was supposed to fit together (without Barbelith-esque leaps of logic to explain away what would ordinarily be assumed to be crappy writing).

I eventually had to google for "Zor" to find out he was some old Spectre villain, which made his appearance seem even more random. And why the hell should I have to use the internet to figure out a character's significance in the first place? Then there's the gratuitous metafictive stuff, which by now I assume Morrison puts in when he doesn't know what to actually write. There's a difference between "throwing lots of crazy ideas out there" (All-Star Superman, JLA, New X-Men) and "pulling random crap out of your ass and hoping the artist can draw it real good" (Zatanna, The Invisibles).


Now can I get an explanation for Frankenstein # 1 and Mr. Miracle # 2? I have drink tickets for a crappy bar in Ventura County. That should be payment enough, you think. Maybe make this a regular feature. "iron lungfish dissects Grant Morrison so Spencer doesn't have to."

Unrelated Zatanna Cosplay Link : Just because you know you want it.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Make Mine Sub-Mariner!

Scipio does not like me. By my very nature of me being somewhat of a Marvel Zombie and he the DC fan boy, its probably in his DNA not to like me. But thats ok. Unlike many of the heroes he appreciates, Scipio's deadpan style of humor comes with a glaringly flaw: he can dish it out, but can't seem to take it. Comments about those characters he likes are apparently taken as personal attacks. I could throw around some insulting remarks about him, but I happen to like Scipio and his blog very much so you won't hear that sort of thing from me. No, today we are going to stick to the subject at hand.

Namor, the Sub-Mariner

He trumps Aquaman everytime.

Marvel's first Anti-Hero, Namor was starting fights with other heroes that he didn't like before it was cool to do so. After knocking a flaming robot around for a little awhile, Namor decided to cool out for a little bit and fight Nazis. While DC heroes were cowering in fear of Hitler's "Spear Of Destiny"(ie, DC was too afraid to tackle what was considered a sensitive issue at the time), Namor was "bursting through the surface of the sea" to take out submarines and the Ratzis that controlled them. Aquaman? Probably would have some crazy swordfish saw a hole in the side of the sub or something.


Where Aquaman relies on
the help of his fishy little
friends, Namor chooses a more
direct course of action:

His fists.

Not fish, but his fists.



Namor is the guy that you want to keep away from your girlfriend. Your shitty Chartreuse painted two bed-room apartment that you share with your Martian friend is nothing compared to a kingdom underneath the sea. He is the bad boy that our wives and girlfriends all wish they met before they settled for us men. Like they say, "it takes a dick to get a pussy." As much as the women try to resist him, you know there is a place in their fantasy worlds that involve their man being a ripped Altantean prince that looks good with Speedos on and water glistening all over his body. And a person who hates a man that looks good in Speedos is the same kind of cretin who most likely hates Europeans, pagan witches, and transiet train hoppers, too.

A more modest person himself, Aquaman opted for the orange and green body suit with his black underwear on the outside. If only he had the confidence like Namor did.



With that arrogant demeanor that the ladies love so much, comes a willingness to back it up. Given a chance, Namor will kick your ass.







Nothing more humiliating then getting your head kicked in by a guy in Speedos. Except, you know....liking Aquaman.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Ha ha!



I'm sorry.* I really am, but this post at the Absorbascon just made me laugh. Really hard. Don't get me wrong. The fact that there are people out there that really, really, really, really like Aquaman is great. I think its awesome to see that even the lame characters get love, too. Hell, Retrocrush went so far as to show us who would win in a fight between Green Lantern and Aquaman. I personally believe that that Retrocrush article is the reason that Geof Johns got all huffy puffy about making Hal Jordan a man's man. But really, Aquaman? This can only happen with DC comics. Marvel readers get a dumb chuckle when D-Man shows up in the pages of The Pulse. DC readers? They give their D-Man characters a comic book series.

(Marvel Team-Up is subject to Kirkman's Law, in which any Marvel book that shows up with Kirkman's name on it is clearly fanfiction masquerading as legitimate comics.)

Before this turns into some DC slander fest, I'm going to drop it and leave you with this picture of Aquaman peeing on Hal Jordan:

Aquaman rules!!!

* Yes, I know harping on Aquaman is by no means original but I just couldn't help myself.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

What I want for Christmas


The Ion Portable Turntable

ION has created the world’s first USB turntable allowing you to convert your old vinyl collection directly to CD or MP3 with the included recording software. (NO SPECIAL DRIVERS NEEDED).
Finally! I can take my crappy record collection and turn it into a crappy MP3 or CD collection! It has been probably 3 or 4 years since I had a record player. My dad gave me his old one and it eventually just died. Its death however came at the same time that my interest in obscure indy screamo emo hardcore music dwindled. My musical tastes shifted from bands that you could only locate through going through record distros at punk rock shows, distribution websites like Stick Figure Distro and the old school Sky Lab Auction site(before they sold out!) to bands you could probably buy at Tower. In my case, download from Soulseek. An old roommate had a record player that I would occassionally use whenever I was doing chores, but that was the extent of it.

But times are a changing. Much like the beloved super hero Soap Opera comics that have found some weird place in my heart, what is old is new again. I was rocking some Indian Summer discography the other day. Grade's "And Such Is Progress" always seems to make it into the CD player at least once a season. Last week, I bought a Calm 7 inch at a Secret Wars/Glass And Ashes show. Got me a fuck ton of other records that I haven't even touched, but sure would like to listen to. The few shows I make it to, there's always a record or two that I see and say "Dayum. If only I had a record player." Now I can! And it can record MP3s!

Enter: The Girlfriend.

We're doing some holiday shopping at the T.O. mall and we swagger on into Urban Outfitters. I buy my roommate a beanie for Christmas and spot the Ion Portable Turntable while waiting in line. Recalling a phone conversation between myself and my friend Sam, who told me about the a record player they were selling at Urban Outfitters and how his work discount could get me 25% off on it. At the time, I was like, cool, and didn't think much about it. Now that I'm looking at it and see that it can convert your records into MP3s, I'm fucking thrilled. I tell the Girlfriend, she looks at it and is like, cool. After sleeping on it, I decide that she must know that I need this record player and tell her the next night how much I want want want her to give this to me for Christmas.

"You don't even have that many records."
What? I got like 20 to 30 LPs and probably 50 some odd 7 inches. Now I can buy MORE.

"You can just download them."
Sure, when I find some idiot on Soulseek who took the time and effort that was required to rip your records BEFORE this new technology came about. How about you just buy this and let me be that idiot.

"You don't have room for it."
Room, my ass. I can make room. Sorry, Kingdom Come and Mini-Mate toys. You're gonna have to find another place to look all dope.

"You probably wouldn't even use it."
So what? I bought you a silk screen kit and you've used that once. Don't see me jumping down your throat about how many times you have or have not used it. Its your present. Its your life. Do whatever you like with it.

"Just seems so novelty."
Novelty? You know what's Novelty? Blythe Dolls. But when I finally give you that $100+ doll tonight that was on back order for God knows how long and watch you get all girl excited about it while the word "cute" spews forth from your mouth like Oil from an Exxon oil tanker, the last thing I'm going to do is put out the idea of how impractical an over-priced doll is that just sits on your shelf.

"I want to get you something more practical."
Find me a girlfriend that buys me what I want. That would be more practical.

It went on and on and on to the point where I was almost half-tempted to leave her house in a huff. In my anger and frustration, I was blind to one obvious fact: she already has something in mind for me. Whatever it is(an iPod Nano), I will love and cherish it like everything else she has given me. And when Christmas is over, I will call Sam and take advantage of that 25% employee discount that he be subject, too.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Starman fucking rules!


No, not that Starman, although, the weird, benevolent, space powers of Robert Hays(a role he took over for Jeff Bridges in the Starman tv series) are something that do deserve a whole post of their own. No, the Starman I am talking about is the nostalgia crazed, cosmic rod brandishing, reluctant hero, Jack Knight.



I passed up on a lot of comics growing up. I try to place the blame on things like Heavy Metal, small town upbringing, binge drinking Bud Ice, Dungeons & Dragons, being raised Mormon, being in love with kitties, and ditching high school to play the Wildstorm CGC and skateboard. Its all true. What do I have to show for it, comic book wise? That I'm at least proud to admit, an almost complete collection of Hiroaki Samura's Blade Of The Immortal single issues and an original hardcover Wolverine - Nick Fury: Scorpio Key(sans the slip cover). The rest of it? Eh, mostly crap that I can't get rid of much like all the baggage that weighs down the superheroes that I love so much.

One of the things that I missed the boat on was James Robinson and Tony Harris's Starman. That book is effing great. I just finished the 2nd trade and was just about ready to start a murderous rampage when my LCS didn't have the 3rd or 4th one in stock. I bought the 5th trade and was almost tempted to read it, but decided that doing so would be like cheating. So instead I read some other stuff that Jack Knight will be so kind enough to tell us what he thinks of them:

New Avengers # 13

That's right, Starman! What we have here is a classic case of "dirty pool." And just in case you're wondering what air quotes dirty pool means, here's the definition from Dictionary.com:
Unjust or dishonest conduct.

and/or:

conduct that is unfair or unethical or unsportsmanlike

That's for Tony who said that I just make my own meanings for things that I say, which isn't entirely true, but, then again, not entirely false.

Bendis'(or Marvel's) attempt to try and create some kind of "mystery" by having a GUY wearing some kind of crazy ninja outfit on the cover for 12 issues only to turn around and have that GUY turn out to be a GIRL is......say it with me......DIRTY POOL. That's it. Oh, and Finch doesn't know how to draw women's faces or energy blasts. Sorry dude, but you don't.

Zatanna # 4
First Frankenstein sucks and now this? Don't know about you, but I'm a bit confused. There's supposed to be this battle that's all crazy epic playing out in the minds of Zor and Zatanna and then there's this seven men who are standing around, breaking fourth walls and making me have to consult Barbelith and Jog just to understand the heaviness that Grant Morrison is laying on me. Actually, the seven men thing was really cool, but that big fight at the beginning could have used just a wee bit more explaining. Alot of times I feel as if Grant Morrison's idea of telling story is to do so by throwing CRAZY! WACKO! WOW! stuff at you and doing nothing else. And what is up with that dialogue? "Its the end of the world and I'm flying on a flying horse. I thought about you." What? Its like he's writing this stuff just to upset me. All I want to do is jump into the panel and say "hey, ya dumb broad! The world's ending! Show a little emotion!" Everything just comes out so matter-of-factly with Morrison's dialogue and it drives me nuts sometimes. I can barely read a New X-men trade without bitching about it for weeks at my LCS. But then there's shit like talking flying horses so I forgive him for it. Is something wrong with me?

Walking Dead Vol 4: The Heart's Desire
So, Darren, who works at my LCS, recommended this book to me about a year ago. I picked up the first one, and thought, eh, its ok. I got the second one and it was more "eh." However, as part of some weird social experiment, I picked up the 3rd one. And then the 4th one came out and I bought that. Sure, there's some ok stuff in there, but all in all, I don't really like zombies nor do I like Kirkman. However, I'm willing to give them both a chance, well because Darren said it was good, just stick with it and get the next one, blah blah blah. And I have. A few pages into this new one and yeah, it doesn't do anything for me. Not a big deal, my fault, Darren tried but I'm done.

Well, guess what? Turns out Darren told my friend that he doesn't even like Walking Dead. I mean, what hell is that all about?! What other comics has Darren recommended to me only to snicker and sneer as I dance like marionette on his strings!? Did I ever tell you about the time that Darren called me a homo for no reason? Or how he turns my friends against me in the comic shop? Or when he said "Dude, check the sales sheets. DC's selling more than Marvel right now." So what if DC is selling more than Marvel? Bats and Supes should French kiss, get over it, and start appearing in some good comics already! Trying to tell me that I'm wrong for not liking Infinite Crisis and throwing crap like sales sheets in my face is like telling me that Celine Dion should a trillion albums and I should make it a trillion and one because a trillion morons can't be wrong...

Hate you, Darren!

Deadbeats # 74
So I chipped in to help Claypool Comics. Did you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Think you're all big and tough because you're non-creator ass can watch in as the big boys over at the Engine talk about how evil Diamond is and how we need to save crappy comics like Deadbeats ad nauseam, ad nauseam. Really though, this comic? Heavy handed, way too much exposition, and some weird sexual tension between the characters that really just made me feel uncomfortable. The art is nice, in that dated kind of way. Better than I can draw, but it could use a little work on the panel layouts.

Its funny because you could say something like "Its got a vampire named 'Hermano' in it!", you'd probably hear someone say something like "I'd buy THAT comic" but, you know, in a snarky ironic way.

Mark Fossen was totally right on this one.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I blame all of this on the '90s


Plot threads from the X-men comics in the '90s just won't die. Not only will they not die, they are getting wrapped up in plotlines written in 2005 that are referencing shit from 1975. And that's all because of the damn '90s.

Yes, that's the right. The fucking '90s. What other 10 year span of time could be responsible for such things like Macy's Playground, Ozzy lying about "No More Tours", the death of Tupac, Rob Liefeld appearing in Jeans commercial, and people wearing those same jeans backwards all because Kriss Kross did it. Sure, its fun to look back fondly and be all "ahh, remember that shit?" everytime you turn on Vh-1, but in when all was said and done, the '90s were bad. And not bad in that ironic its-so-bad-that's-good 80s kind of way. Bad in that everything that came along in the '90s that was good was only copied and misused in such a horrendous, exploitative manner, that you couldn't even be bothered to appreciate the original version because the original was the reason for so many damn facisimiles.

In the X-men's case, its the "dangling plot thread". Even though it was spearheaded by Claremont in the 70s and 80s, we never saw the full ramifications that these dangling plot threads would wreck upon the loyal fan boys until the '90s came along. Chris Claremont's soap opera that was the X-men was very manageable when there was only Uncanny X-men to contend with. The appearance of New Mutants reared its adolescent head and gave us some room to add a little more depth this growing cast of hated and feared mutants. X-Factor showed up and gave us a chance to see what the old guard was up to. Excalibur came along, but really, that was its own, separate beast. And Wolverine, well he's in everything, so might as well give him his own series. Then the adjectiveless X-Men showed up and nothing was same ever again. And that's not counting the gazillion mini-series and solo series that started up(and mostly failed) in its wake.

The X-traitor was dropped in Uncanny X-Men and eventually consumed the whole Marvel line in 1996, 5 years later. The birth of Cyclops and Madelyne Pryor's son eventually led to the modern day appearance of Cable, the same son, but from the future, all because of Apocalypse's infection of the Summers child with the techno-organic virus in X-Factor. And the mention of the third Summer's brother in X-Men # 23? Talk about headache.

Enter Mr. Brubaker

With Deadly Genesis, not only are we going to learn what happened to Professor X after House of M, not only are we re-examining the first New X-Men adventure from another point of view, and introducing a major new villain who will haunt the X-Men for years to come...

But we're also going to finally tell the story of the Third Summers Brother. That's one of the secrets that Xavier has been sitting on for a while, and when fans read this story, they are going to go -- "Oh my god, it's been right there in front of me for years!"

How's that for a tease?


Not only is he going to throw a new spin on a much revered piece of X-Men history, but he's gonna finally wrap up some shit that's been bugging messageboards for years! He's gonna reveal who the third Summers brother is! This may or may not be the obscured face of the third Summers brother that's trying to fulfill some kind of crazy choke-rape incest fantasy on Cyclops:



Ewww......vague.

But wait! He's not the first person to try and tackle it. Almost 2 years ago, former Cable writer, Robert Weinberg filled us in on what his plans were for the third Summers brother over at ComiXFan.com.




I believe that before Christopher Summers(Corsair) married Katherine he had a love affair with another woman (not yet identified) in the Marvel Universe. She may or not have been a powerful mutant. I suspect she was. In any case, Christopher, an Air Force officer, left her before she discovered she was pregnant… and for reasons not known, she never informed him she was going to have his son. His first child.

Then, in typical Marvel melodramatic style, shortly after this nameless woman gave birth to this incredibly powerful mutant child, the boy was taken from her. Stolen by a mysterious figure from the far future, a being who used a time machine to complete his master plan. Not only did this time-traveler kidnap Christopher Summers’ first child, but the traveler then took the baby back into the past and left him there. The time traveler abandoned the baby, who knew neither his father nor mother, on the burning sands of Egypt with only a name. He was called The First One, because the baby was the First Summers’ child, and the most powerful. Or as he became known in the language of those who found him and raised him, En Sabah Nur, the mutant known as Apocalypse.


Did you catch all that? An older brother from a lover affair that Corsair had was kidnapped as a child then taken back in time to Egypt. The Third Summers brother was Apocalypse! Hold on, we're not done...


If my theory is true, then Apocalypse would be Cable’s uncle. They would share the same DNA. Why did Apocalypse infect the baby Nathan Summers with the techno-organic virus? To kill him? Nonsense. If Apocalypse wanted to kill the baby, he would have just done so. Infecting his nephew forced Nathan to survive – to prove that even as a child he was strong enough to survive. And, in doing so, Apocalypse was also creating a powerful body, with tremendous mutant powers, for him to someday possess when his own body gave out. What better replacement for a body than one that shares the same basic DNA code?


I don't know, Rob....that sounds a little fishy...


Need more proof? Apocalypse woke from cryogenic sleep when Nathan was born. Telepathic cries being heard by a relative make a lot more sense than Apocalypse being jolted awake by the birth of a powerful mutant, considering how many powerful mutants inhabit the Marvel Universe. If that was really the case, Apocalypse would have been thawing out every few months in the mid-20th century.


That's followed with a whole lot of blah, blah, blah that eventually turns up this gem:


So, it would be quite possible that the X-gene that developed in the Summers family came from Apocalypse, who inherited it from his own descendents, in a closed-circle time loop. An anomaly in four dimensions, sure to attract the attention of the Lords of Probability and Possibility to Earth, where their servants would encounter Cable, a nexus of time and space...


Fucking heavy, bro. I don't even know if I would be able to make enough money in a year to buy all the pot that would be required smoking for someone to understand that shit. Go and read the whole thing. Its ridiculous.

All in all, I think its safe to say that Robert getting canned after only 18 issues wasn't such a bad thing. Then again, it probably would have just been retconned, reloaded, and revolutionized into the Limbo of Let's Pretend It Never Happened. With Brubaker on the case, its safe to say that the dangling plot thread of the third Summers brother can finally be put rest.

Unless of course, Brubaker gets all '90s on us and makes the third Summers brother the mutant love child of Wolverine and Katherine Summers that Wolverine humped just to get back at Scott when the X-Men were in space fighting the Skrull Professor. I mean, it has to be more than a concidence that the header image for Robert Weinberg's column also has some kind of weird choke-rape shit going on, too.

Right?

Monday, November 28, 2005

I called it

*OMG! SPOILERS!*

Just for the record, I called it: The Hulkling being a Skrull. I made this prediction, if not out loud, at least to myself. He's actually semi-Skrull. Or Skrull-related. Maybe twice removed second cousin to the Skrulls, I don't really know. But I called it. Of course I didn't have a blog at the time when it first came out, therefore there is no internet proof of this anywhere to validate my claims, but it happened.

For my next prediction?

I'm going to say that the foe in X-men: Deadly Genesis is an original member of the Giant Sized X-men # 1 team that had to be imprisoned in space and erased from everyone's memories because of intimate relations with a certain famous Sabretooth Tiger from the Savage Land on an X-men mission. Due to society's disdain for man-animal love back in the 70s in addition to the Sabretooth's jealous lover(whose long tenure in the uncivilized Savage Land now seems to make perfect sense), Professor Xavier had to mindwipe his merry band of mutants from remembering him. Although Professor Xavier is normally against such things as tampering with an unwilling mind, he considered the number of animal-like heroes and villians in the Marvel 616 and decided not to be the first super hero team with a member whose powers included bestiality. It wasn't much latter until Moon Knight and Tigra got it on as members of the West Coast Avengers that Professor X gave his ok for his X-men to do the same.

Now that most of the mutants have lost their powers, resulting in some weird kind of space explosion, this mysterious member of the X-men is back. Horny and mad about it, I believe its safe to say that mutants like Beast, Angel, Mandrill, and Wolfsbane had better watch their asses.

I've been gone for a long time

Not really, but it feels like it. You would think that with something like unemployment on your side(don't worry, I got my old job back), you would find more time for things like updating your boring blog, but nonetheless, I did not. We could blame the holidays for that, I'm sure. I feel a little out of it in terms of up-to-date-ness. I mean, Seven Soldiers: Frankenstein came out and I didn't even get a chance to bash it. Because really, it was the one that I wanted to like the most however it was the most disappointing of all the #1s. And oh my god, did you read the new Daredevil? Horrible fight scenes, but dang, that twist? Nice. Bendis coming strong on his last hurrah. All I can say is that if this Ronin person turns out to be a chick underneath that mask, I'm gonna be pissed. Unless of course its a ladyboy under there. Then I'll probably be slightly aroused in that "I just bought the Homage Studios Swimsuit and now I'm going to go read it in the bathroom" kind of way. Who would have ever thought that a member of wack ass StormWatch could be so hot...

Ok, enough of that. Carry on with your life.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Work? What's that?

You know what's great about not working? You get shit done! Such as:


Watching the new Superman trailer!

Is it really that hard to get a good shot of Supes flying? This one is dark and blurry, and god damn, if it doesn't make me want to see some more of him soaring through the air in his underwear. I just hope that we get more super hero ass kicking screen time on this movie than we did on Spider-man 2. All in all, it looks good and should have everyone I know asking me all kinds of stupid questions such as "So does this take place after that movie with Richard Pryor?" and what not.



Reading Night Fisher!

Bought this two weeks ago and finally read it this morning. Its a story about a lonely straight A student in Hawaii named Loren and his induction into the world of Methamphetamines. All the proper characters are there. There's Shane, the "cool" friend who is there to get Loren into trouble, thus giving our story a plot. The Dad is around to highlight the distance that Loren is surrounding himself with as well provide a means of punishment when Loren fucks up. Lacey, the summer fling, shows up every now and then to remind Loren of his loneliness. An obnoxious kid at school, Jem, is in the picture to show illustrate the consequences that come when you take the partying a little too far. And then there's their tweaker comrade-in-arms, Eustace and Jon, to authenticate the whole thing.

R. Kikuo Johnson's art reminds me very much of Paul Pope's, in that its heavy on the thick lines along with the excellent use of positive and negative space. The subject matter of young kids having reckless fun helps to further justify the comparison, too. Johnson throws in the random visual trick here and there, like utilizing diagrams to of how a knot is tied side by side with panels of Loren tieing the knot himself. Subext like this reminds us that Loren is still somewhat the Boy Scout character that is portrayed in an earlier scene of a flashback involving the innocence he had when marijuana first entered his life in the 7th grade. Except, now its the 12th grade and this time its speed.

Despite the fact that it can read like a subdued graphic novel version of Better Luck Tomorrow, its a pretty good book that I think everyone should check out.



The great thing about having The Girlfriend work at a major toy company is that when you get laid off, you get cool things like the Spider-man TV game! Haven't played it yet, but I will. Do you think that she wants me to slack off enough so that I won't ever look for a job resulting in my complete and total dependence upon her for everything I need and do?

Damn devil woman..

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Marvel Feb Solicits

Well the Marvel solicitations for February are up over at Newsarama.com so I figured....what the hell. Let's take a look.


Slott, Bobillo, and Horn has successfully kept up the tradition of having She-Hulk break through the fourth wall by giving me a boner.


I have no idea what's going here, but it appears that Daredevil is not above manipulating confused girls into giving him oral sex and the Vision is into weird cosplay girls that have funny looking boobs.





Considering the high amount of tentacle-themed covers we have coming up in February, I think Marvel has decided it is a safe time into tap some of that Manga market and release a hentai styled Max comic staring Doc Ock and Jessica Jones by May or June. July at the latest.


Nothing sarcastic here, just a kick ass cover.


More non-sarcasm. Is that not fucking awesome or what?



"Can I trade you my Mike Allred Doctor Strange and Mr. Sensitive for your Cheerleader Slut Mary Jane with Stomach pump? Pretty please?"


Big Boobs? Check. Complicated and confusing back story with major changes that never stuck? Check. Female super hero character that's been around forever, but no one is really into? Check. Yep. Looks like Marvel has found their Power Girl.


Ghost Rider's got some crazy huge flaming microphone. Does he do Karaoke or something? Knowing him, he'll probably do something easy like "Sweet Caroline." What a puss.


Ha ha. Spider-man caught you filling out an online dating ad. You nerd.


"Dude! I got the best idea EVER for a comic book. Apocalypse. From the X-men comics. Against Dracul-, no wait, that's a stupid idea."


Well, at least I'll have a nice looking Jae Lee cover to look at when I pass this book up at the comic shop in February.


"I'm sorry to say, Mr. Apocalypse, but the surgery was unsuccessful. You're still a lame ass X-men villian. Please forgive us."

Some Bendis-related photoshop fun..



Its funny because its true!


Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing when you saw it at Newsarama.