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Sunday, December 11, 2005

Make Mine Sub-Mariner!

Scipio does not like me. By my very nature of me being somewhat of a Marvel Zombie and he the DC fan boy, its probably in his DNA not to like me. But thats ok. Unlike many of the heroes he appreciates, Scipio's deadpan style of humor comes with a glaringly flaw: he can dish it out, but can't seem to take it. Comments about those characters he likes are apparently taken as personal attacks. I could throw around some insulting remarks about him, but I happen to like Scipio and his blog very much so you won't hear that sort of thing from me. No, today we are going to stick to the subject at hand.

Namor, the Sub-Mariner

He trumps Aquaman everytime.

Marvel's first Anti-Hero, Namor was starting fights with other heroes that he didn't like before it was cool to do so. After knocking a flaming robot around for a little awhile, Namor decided to cool out for a little bit and fight Nazis. While DC heroes were cowering in fear of Hitler's "Spear Of Destiny"(ie, DC was too afraid to tackle what was considered a sensitive issue at the time), Namor was "bursting through the surface of the sea" to take out submarines and the Ratzis that controlled them. Aquaman? Probably would have some crazy swordfish saw a hole in the side of the sub or something.


Where Aquaman relies on
the help of his fishy little
friends, Namor chooses a more
direct course of action:

His fists.

Not fish, but his fists.



Namor is the guy that you want to keep away from your girlfriend. Your shitty Chartreuse painted two bed-room apartment that you share with your Martian friend is nothing compared to a kingdom underneath the sea. He is the bad boy that our wives and girlfriends all wish they met before they settled for us men. Like they say, "it takes a dick to get a pussy." As much as the women try to resist him, you know there is a place in their fantasy worlds that involve their man being a ripped Altantean prince that looks good with Speedos on and water glistening all over his body. And a person who hates a man that looks good in Speedos is the same kind of cretin who most likely hates Europeans, pagan witches, and transiet train hoppers, too.

A more modest person himself, Aquaman opted for the orange and green body suit with his black underwear on the outside. If only he had the confidence like Namor did.



With that arrogant demeanor that the ladies love so much, comes a willingness to back it up. Given a chance, Namor will kick your ass.







Nothing more humiliating then getting your head kicked in by a guy in Speedos. Except, you know....liking Aquaman.

8 comments:

kelvingreen said...

Now, I don't mind Aquaman to be perfectly honest. Yeah, it's a bit of a joke having him in the League when he really doesn't provide anything the rest don't (apart from the underwater thing, but how often does that come up?), but he's pretty cool in a C-list, mid-level superhero kind of way.

But Namor is A-list. As strong as the Hulk and with a real nasty temper and a big dose of arrogance. If nothing else, he's a more interesting character than Aquaman. Marvel were never afraid of making him a real arrogant, unlikable bastard, as Kings tend to be.

But those wings on his ankle are really dumb.

Spencer Carnage said...

Yes, those ankle wings....who knows what they were smoking when they thought of that. Honestly, I don't really care for Namor all that much. He can be an interesting character in the right scenarios, but I don't know what he could offer in an ongoing solo book. And making fun of Aquaman is like making mom jokes. Sure you've heard them all before, but they can still be funny. However, it seems no matter how much someone trashes on Aquaman, its more funny when someone praises him to high heaven.

Ragnell said...

I'm not impressed. Aquaman's got to deal with JLA-level villains, people who have to be able to switch up and start beating on Superman or Wonder Woman, but Aquaman has to be able to stand up to and yes, sometimes defeat these people. But you show him beating Nazis, Iron Man, Giant Man, Capt America, and Mr. Fantastic.

These guys may be cool over in the Marvel Universe, but they are not JLA-level.

And Aquaman can afford to be a nice guy, unlike Namor, who must keep up a tough-guy image. Only the biggest badasses can afford to smile.

And Damn it, Spencer, you made me defend Aquaman

Monkey In Blender said...

"These guys may be cool over in the Marvel Universe, but they are not JLA-level."

So by "JLA-level," you mean guys like the giant spooky space starfish? He does mind-control, right? Every Marvel villain north of the frigging Puppet Master does mind-control. You can't swing a stick in the Marvel Universe without hitting an evil telepath or a hivemind, but over in JLA-land one giant starfish with mind-powers requires the divine intervention of a Neil Gaiman character.

Now, Mr. Fantastic - that guy's A-list, my friend. Reed Richards has the greatest superpower known to man: the power to rock you with science. Give him a pair of piers and some duct tape and he'll make a time machine out of it. Stick that up your Justice League and smoke it.

Monkey In Blender said...

Oh, and I find this post to be "mean-spirited." For shame, Spencer.

Spencer Carnage said...

Ragnell -
Yes, that may be true and the examples I cited may seem weak in comparison to the likes that JLA fights. There's definitely more examples which you can check out at "the Feat List of the Sub-Mariner" over at Wikipedia that I did not take the time to cut up and photoshop into examples for my blog. I know, there must be some hardcore Namor fans over there at that site which boggles my mind, too.

You know what's really mind boggling? You praising Aquaman over Starman over at the Absorbascon. I'm almost convinced that you've been replaced with a Skrull. And not the good natured Johnny Storm marrying kind, either.

Monkey in a blender -
Well, I AM a sad, Marvel cynic, so... :)

Ragnell said...

Take that back! If I've been replaced by any shape-shifting Alien it would be Durlan or Martian.

And I wasn't _praising_ Aquaman over Starman, I was pointing out that Scipio had hit upon his gimmick which made him last when even someone as all-around great as Ted Knight faded to obscurity. Starman had drama, Aquaman had comedy. I was speaking of popularity, not overall coolness. And Starman is definately one of those subculture cool things, while I must admit Aquaman's slapstick has mass appeal.

Rest assured, any Knight with a handy cosmic rod makes fillet of Aquaman in forty seconds...
And it only takes the same Starman 10 secondd to fry up Namorsticks.

pachoob said...

i feel bad for aquaman. he's totally a fucking waste and he knows it. aquaman is totally miranda and namor is totally samantha. and i guess that makes captain america carrie. and maybe the vision is charlotte? whatever. now i'm confused, too.

but seriously, fuck aquaman. he's cool when you're a kid and don't know any better. as you get older you start to realize he's just kind of a chump. they had to make him an asshole to make him interesting, and since namor's always been an asshole, advantage: namor.