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Friday, August 04, 2006

Cable & Deadpool

I have done an awful thing. What's this thing that I speak of?

I
HAVE
DECIDED
THAT I NEED TO
PICK UP EVERY
CIVIL WAR
TIE-IN


It sounds like insanity, but its not. Its actually quite fun, in both interesting and aggravating ways. In part of picking up all the Civil War tie-ins a week after issue 3 dropped, I had to go back and pick up some of the ones that I missed. However, after reading the ones that I did pick up, using the term "missed" is a stretch. Today, however we talk about one of the books from my absolutely most favoritest 90's--! writer, Fabian Nicieza..


Who the hell's that guy?! That's Fabian Nicieza, duders! He wrote New Warriors! And Nomad and X-Force and Thunderbolts and a whole crap load of other BADICAL comics!

Cable & Deadpool # 30:
Holy crap. This made me laugh. Out loud. Ok, so it was more of a chuckle, but still. Deadpool & Cable are both weak excuses for comic book characters, but the Nicieza managed to make me care. Not only does Deadpool break the fourth wall, he also manages to break down comic book stereotypes at the same time. And he was created in the nineties! Madness! And Cable, well....verdict's still out but I'm starting to enjoy his vague role in this whole Civil War nonsense so much that I'm already writing out the next few paragraphs in his OHTMU entry in what I believe to be his reasons for participating in the whole shebang:

"After realizing that his purpose in life as the go-to mutant for time-displaced induced 90's--! comic book brutality was vapid and empty, Cable sought to carve a new niche in the 21st century. When he's not appearing as nostaglic Liefeld wank material for the message boarders at HeroesRealm.com, Cable is busy building his Amway Empire.

Cruising to the local 7-11 one hot summer day back in 2002 for a Cherry Coke slurpee, Nathan Dayspring Summer Askani'son was stopped by none other than Reaper, a former foe of his who used to be a member of the Mutant Liberation Front. Reaper, who had given up his ways of extreme mutant terrorism to pursue a career in network marketing, had implored Cable to join him for some lunch. Hot and wanting to go somewhere with air conditioning, Cable agreed. After 45 minutes of Reaper's best sales pitches, Cable politely declined, stating that he was looking forward to getting the X-Force back together, however that they should exchange numbers so they could hang out from time to time. Shortly there after, Cable got the old X-Force gang back together, but was unable to make it last for more than 6 issues. Not entirely sure of what the future held for this battle weary cyborg mutant, Cable took a chance and called his new friend, Reaper. Two weeks later, Cable was fully initiated into Reaper's most current network marketing scheme, selling Amway products.

After making Amway the national brand of his own country, Providence, Cable set his sights on the rest of the mutant population, using his special status in the X-universe to his advantage. Quickly converting all the Morlocks to customers with his deft salesmanship, Cable moved on his operations to Mutant Town. Known for such closers like "You know, the X-men use Amway..." and "I've seen the days of Future Past and lemme tell ya....everyone's using this stuff," Cable's break into the previously untapped mutant market was astonishing. Tough and tenacious, Cable's fortune and popularity grew so much that Marvel had no choice but to put him into another on-going comic book series featuring the loud mouthed assassin, Deadpool. Everything was going just great for Cable, that is, until M-Day.

With 98.999938939% of his clientele reduced to regular humans, Cable's stellar closers no longer held any weight with his current marketplace. With anti-mutant sentiment as high as it was, Cable decided against trying to sell to normal humans and instead turned his focus towards the non-mutant super heroes of the Marvel U. With over 4500 customers to choose from, Cable found his new demographic, if only he could just find a way to penetrate it...

Enter Civil War.

With the likes of Iron Man, She-Hulk, Mr. Fantastic and the Iron-Spider on your tail, with the entire S.H.I.E.L.D. Army backing them up, renegade super heroes have very little time to visit places like Costco or Wal-mart. Using his experience in battle tactics, Cable quickly came to the aid of the "Secret Avengers" providing them with everything and anything they could need. At the same time, he used his "I'm from the future" schtick, and convinced Tony Stark, an openly known futurist, that Stark, Intl investment in Amway was a "great choice" and applauded Tony on his "foresight" when he placed his first order for 2.4 billion dollars. Cable was the # 1 Amway salesmans in the whole World. The victory was short lived, though. 3 days after his order with Stark, International, Cable was caught doing business with the "Secret Avengers" during a raid by Iron Man's "Mighty Avengers," causing him to lose what was considered the "biggest fish" in Amway history. In addition to the loss of Iron Man's business, several of his anti-registration clients were captured and placed into protective S.H.I.E.L.D. custody. Just as quickly as it happened, Cable was back to scraping the bottom of the barrel.

He has recently taken up residence in the X-mansion, hoping to turn some of those 198 mutants refugees into valuable customers. Cable is currently ranked # 37182 in terms of Amway Sales.


None of that happens in Cable & Deadpool # 30, just in case you're wondering, but it was still a pretty damn enjoyable comic.

2 comments:

The Fortress Keeper said...

Honestly, some of the tie-ins are more interesting than the main event itself. Cable/Deadpool #30 was the best Deadpool issue I read since the Kelly run, and I actually liked (!?!) the New Avengers issue with Luke Cage.

Iron Man's a real @##$% though.

Spencer Carnage said...

The New Avengers issues are good because they deal with only one character. Throw them all in a room together and you come up with cross dressing tranny ninjas.