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Monday, April 30, 2007

Fallen Short

Don't know if you guys heard, but Captain America died. Oops! I forgot my spoiler tags, didn't I! Yeah, well, he's dead, bro. Sorry. And now we get see how the Marvel U. grieves. As of this date we are currently going through the first 2 stages of some snoody professor something or other's 5 Stages Of Grief.

Stage 1, homey! Denial!

That's where Wolverine comes in and gets all "nuh uh, bitches!" and starts his poking around. That's right, Wolvie! Ain't nobody should believe that Cap's dead unless you, Canadian Mutie Ultimate Killing Cigar Smoking Machine, confirms. Before he does, he tries to get Cap's old shower-grab-ass buddy, Bucky, in on it. Bucky's all vague and stupid, so Wolvie ditches his lame-o ass and gets DD on the case. After some sneaking around and what not, sho' nuff, it turns that Captain America is really dead. And that's Denial for you. Next time I'm in the midst of Grief Attack, I will turn to my good friend, Wolverine, for some proper guidance on how to deal with Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt!

Next, we have Stage 2!

The main boss at the end of this level is Anger, with Whiny Spider-man and Pissy Pants Namor as the mini-bosses. Pass this level and you get to upgrade to BARGAINING with Captain America....? Wait a second. With Captain America? Isn't he dead? Now, here is where I would talk about what happens in Fallen Soldier: Avengers, but its really just a bunch of heroes getting all mad and upset and whiny, which just plays out as bad as it sounds. What I want to know is what happens in Fallen Soldier: Bargaining if Captain America is dead?

Does that mean we get to see Steve Rogers in hell(cuz you know that's where he belongs!) bargaining with Mephisto for his soul? Let's hope so. If we're lucky, we'll get ourselves a Ghost Riding Captain America. Wouldn't that be effin' suh-WEET?! Hells to yeah, my friends. Someone get Brevoort and Quesada to green light my Ghost Riding Captain America proposal ASAP! I'm talking flaming Shields and a penance stare that chills you to the bone 'cuz you're being un-patriotic! I can say with the upmost honesty that Flaming Skull Captain America who rides across the U S of A on a motorcycle with fire for wheels with a flag flying from the back of it is probably the most American Thing you would ever see.

If you just teared up while reading that last sentence, pat yourself on the back for being a proud citizen of the greatest nation on Earth. You're one of the good ones, my friend.


Jason said...

The very thought of Cap's penance stare makes me want to go straight to the Army recruiter's office.

I have the vision of Cap riding is Ameri-Hell bike up the side of the Washington Monument stuck in my mind. IT IS AWESOME (and not at all gay).

pachoob said...

i would like burning american flags to shoot out of his eyes.

then again, i would also like for the whole storyline to go away because it's a self-important pile of shit.

Jason said...

No! That would be the thing, the only thing his hell-fire couldn't burn would be the American flag!

OK, I admit, I'm really starting to over-think this.

pachoob said...

well, then can there be american flags pumping through his veins instead of blood?

Spencer Carnage said...

Come on, now! Everyone knows that Ghost Riding Captain America has napalm pumping through his veins! I'd like to think that his sperm has been replaced with American Flags. That way, when he impregnates women, a little flag gets raised up on that egg, Iwo Jima style

pachoob said...

wait, is he like captain america mixed with ghost rider, or is he captain america ghost riding the whip in oakland? is there a possible team-up with e-40?

Spencer Carnage said...

Ghost ride the WHIP! Ghost ride the WHIP!

pachoob said...

now THERE'S an online meme for you.

Jason said...


pachoob said...

you are a man among men.