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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A bunch of super hero comics I bought in 2008, part 1

Just got home early from school where I took an algebra test that I definitely did not do good on. Why? Because I'm part lazy slacker, part someone that gets sick and missed a night or two of class. Its funny, because I was making algebra my dirty little slizz-zut at the beginning of the semester until I somehow lost my way. Who would have thought that Spencer D. Carnage, Casual Marvel Comic Book Blogger, would ever be somewhat decent at trinomials? Its that "Solve for x and graph it out: 3x + 20 is greater than or equal to 9x - 2 + x" shit that gets me. And this is ELEMENTARY algebra we're talking about. What happens when you get into ADVANCED algebra? Does it compare to a newbie trying to jump head first in the murky, continuity-shark filled waters of the 2008 publishing schedule of mainstream superhero comics?

The answer to that question is perverse and often baffling.

Let's start with Uncanny X-men # 495, shall we? Yes. Yes we shall. Its been a long tiiiiiiiiiime since I've read an issue of Uncanny X-men. The last issue I read had Vulcan flying in space and taking way too long to disable some Shi'ar starships. It was one of those one-off issues that Brubaker seems to do so well with in Captain America. Unfortunately for my $2.99, it didn't quite work out for Vulcan as it did for Nomad so I stopped reading. From what I heard, that decision was a good one because that space shit was whatevs. Then the Messiah CompleX came along and I still kept my distance. Now that its over, I thought I would jump on with Uncanny X-men # 495.

If you want my two cents, Emma and Scott taking their post-crossover honeymoon in the Savage Land is exactly what an X-men comic needs to get me to jump back off.

Uh.......whatthefuckamIreading? The leader of the X-men and the White Queen running from dinosaurs while exchanging meaningful glances.













(That big long space is me folding my arms and shaking my head with disdain through my computer at the people who created this comic.)

That's okay, though. Bru wants to channel Chris Claremont at his worst, go for it. I'm good. As long as I have one more issue of Astonishing X-men left, I can wait six more months before I get my fix of X-goodness. I think you all know what I mean, right? Despite the wait, this last arc of Astonishing X-men is great. It got bumpy for a few moments there, but as soon as they got into space, it was all systems go. And if we have to wait six months to get that grand finale issue from Whedon, Cassady & Co., you won't hear me complain. It'll be a shame to see this creative team go, but it was worth the wait.

Next, I'm going to talk about Captain America # 34. In case you haven't heard, that's motherfuggin' Bucky under that new Cap costume, son! That's right! If you've been avoiding spoilers, you're prolly all jacked up with rage right now! You're thinking "What's the deal, Spencer? Normally you're all "OMG SPOILERZ!" when you're ruining the comics I haven't read. When that happens, I just leave and surf for pRonz on the interwubs. But this?! This is too much!!! Its so bad th-that........deep breath......I'M NEVER GOING TO READ YOUR BLOG EVER AGAIN."

That's okay, because I'll probably give up blogging after this post, so I think I can live with that.

So yeah. Bucky is Cap. And Cap is back. And Spencer? Spencer's yawning. Why is Spencer yawning? Spencer is yawning because it looks not much has changed in the world of Captain America. The Red Skull is still around.... Some of those new baddies like Dr. Faustus and Arnim Zola that were re-introduced 15 to 20 some odd issues ago are hanging on his arm... And the new Cap is sent out to take on AIM agents trying to steal money from Wall Street. Talk about a shitty ass debut. I get what's going on. Iron Man wants Cap-Bucky to start out slow. Stretch out the ol' chain mail before they throw him at some Skrulls. I get it. It was just a boring issue. The biggest threat in this issue was Sub-prime Mortgages. Sorry, friend, but I already faced that threat two years ago. I'm over getting my ass handed to me by Sub-Prime Mortgage Lenders. Its time for some new enemies to step up already. I've been gone a long time, but this makes me glad that I stayed away. Sorry, Jason. I tried. I really did.

Last but not least.... New Avengers Annual # 2. Yeah. Fuckin' Bendis. Figured I'd drop in and see what's up with that science experiment that I got going on with Bendis. Its the one where I remember how much I loved his Daredevil, Alias and early Powers and hope that he FINALLY ironed out the kinks in his more recent work. Not too mention, get a gauge for what's going in my beloved Marvel U seeing how he's one of the guys in charge.

Guess what, readers? Its still not good. Did I spoil that one, too? I figured I must be the last DECENT blogger who is still dipping their toes in that stagnating pool, so I guess its only fair that I share.

The book opens up with the Hood and crew going BACK to Tigra's place to get the Feminists and Tigra fans upset by having him punk her once again. Instead of beating the crap out of her and videotaping it in some kind of shitty fashion that ended with Bendis patting himself on the back at Newsarama for handling a scene like that with such class, she caves and gives up the goods without a fight. The goods that I'm talking about is the location of where the New Avengers are hiding. Can't blame her, because there is the Hood with a gun to her head again, but with like.....8 dudes in the shadows looking all scary.

Now that the Hood knows where the New Avengers are, he takes to their front door. He's not gonna punk out like Iron Man and bring in Brother Voodoo. Nah, he's just gonna jump into that faux looking run down building that used to belong to the Sorceror Supreme which will soon become a Starbucks and start punching around until he hits Wolverine in his Canadian face. But first?

Well, let's set the scene for those who haven't had the chance to waste their money on this issue. Before you storm into the good guys' hangout, you gotta pump everyone up. You know, cheerlead a little bit. But it ain't the kind of cheerleading it would expect from a team leader. No. This one involves everyones standing around like a bad ass, posing for their picture in the Official Marvel Handbook. After doing that for a few minutes, some numbnuts Thor villian can't stand the suspense. What's he gonna say? Naturally, it goes something like this:

Piledriver, the numbnuts Thor villian, stands there looking all bad azz with his arm crossed, as you can see by his decision to replace his standard villian costume shirt with a wife beater. Yeah, bro.... You fuckin' rip. You wanna punch some good guys? Good thing you wore that wife-beater, dude, 'cuz there's a bunch of super hero bitches in there that need to get bitch slapped.

Let's do this!

Piledriver says to the guy in charge(that's the Hood), "So What'cha Think, Hood?" See, Piledriver, he don't fuck around. He's thinking about how they're gonna stomp them Neg Reg heroes! He's fired UP! and ready to GO! Like the man said.....

So What'cha Think, Hood?

(anticipation)

(followed by more anticipation)

(its only seconds, but damn, I wanna crack heads so every second of anticipation just gets me more riled up, anticipation)

(god, the anticipation is killing, anticipation)

(fuck me, I wanna punch a Spider-man in his face, I'm so anticipating right now, anticipating anticipation)

(followed by more anticipation)

(what's that crazy new villian mastermind on the block gonna say, anticipation)

(in case you're wondering, the question is "So What'cha Think, Hood?" anticipation)

(....-tion)

Fuck it, here's the panel:



*blink, blink*

Fuck you, Bendis.

Don't waste my time with your shit anymore. I really don't give a shit what the Hood thinks about the music industry. The only thing worst than being a poor man's Aaron Sorkin is being the Comic Book version of a poor man's Aaron Sorkin. I want my heroes and villians to awesome. Not cheeky. AWESOME.

Is that too much?

Color me unsurprised because the rest of this comic was a big pile of crap. Like, all over. Just stupid. At one part Spidey swings in and takes Luke and Jessica's baby so he can get the baby to safety, but does so without really explaining why he's doing it, sending Luke into his typical Angry Black Guy routine that Bendis believes works so well for his character. More yawns.



Them are the super hero comics I bought and read. There was also Astro City: Dark Age # 4, but I haven't gotten to that one yet. Next, I'll ramble on about a few of the indie comics that I bought, like '76 and Pax Romana(which ruled). I totally forgot about Fell so that will have to wait. Set your RSS Feeds to Of Course, Yeah and it'll be like Christmas in March when I update this again.

Toodles!

5 comments:

Jason said...

Sorry I let you down on Cap. You may want to hit up the Iron Fist Special that dropped this week. That was some good stuff.

Really, you only have yourself to blame on the New Avengers thing. Bendis hasn't turned in a good issue on that series since the first arc, so really, it's like getting with the slutty-chick-with-sores-on-her-mouth. You knew what you'd end up with something nasty as soon as you ambled over. Perhaps you were drunk?

I'll look forward to your next post sometime in the Obama administration.

Spencer Carnage said...

You didn't let me down. Bru did. Actually, it wasn't bad, it just wasn't anything new since the last time I read it. Then again, had I kept on reading it, I'd be all up in the mix. I tell want to get the trade for the issues after his death so its not completely lost.

And yes, you're right about New Avengers. It should be awesome, but it ain't. And now my crouch itches. Thanks, Marvel Comics!

Chad Nevett said...

x is equal to or less than 3.

...just sayin'.

evanmcb said...

I was only getting New Avengers for the Yu art, so didn't get the annual. Good to know it just would have upset me.

naruto episode said...

haloo...my name captain
i lake japanese comics naruto episode.
are you like it?