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Monday, May 07, 2007

Feliz Cumpleanos, vatos!

It's my birthday!

Or it was. On friday. May The Fourth be with you, brother! Guess what I did for my birthday?

A.) Got wicked drunk at some uber-swank bar and vomited on some hipster chick I was trying to mack on

B.) Got wicked drunk and went to a strip club where I feel in love with a girl named "Cocoa" that wouldn't give me the time of the day unless I had money

C.) Got wicked drunk at Fridays and punched out some douchebag for trying to harsh my mellow with his ugly face on my birthday

D.) Got wicked drunk in Vegas and had to be dragged out of a casino for aggressively proposing to some cocktail waitress in tights

If you guessed ANY of the above, you are wrong! The real answer is:

E.) Stayed wicked sober in Utah, hanging out with the Mormon family for my sister's graduation

Believe-THAT! Me, Spencer Carnage, the mess of blogger that I am, rocking the spot in Mormon country, straight edge styley! And not the cool, windmill kicking, XXX inked kind of straight edge styley! But the boring ass, sit around and watch some TV, read and check email kind of straight edge styley! Jealous? Thought so!

Yes, my sister graduated with a Masters in Mental Health Counseling so my father, step-mother and I made the 13 hour trip up on thursday so we could be there for the occassion. Since most of my family is religious, with my sister herself a recovering alcoholic, there was nary a drop of booze to be had. The fact that my birthday falls a day before Cinco De Mayo only compounded my own alcoholic problems. The problem being....there was no alcohol! Stopping in Vegas on the way back sunday for a buffet lunch definitely did not help. It was almost as if Joseph Smith himself was mocking him.

The weekend, despite the boredom, was nice. I played Uno like a motherfucker. My sister's cat and dog both love me. My bratty 11 year old neice has a bruise on her arm for being such a bratty 11 year old neice. The family and I got to discuss the going ons in our lives, using the art of cinema as common ground. I read Stephen King's Dark Tower: The Gunslinger and half of Jonathan Lethem's Fortress Of Solitude. I went to a pretty decent music store and picked me up some Feist, Explosions In The Sky, and Tv On The Radio. I even got my dad to rock out to TV On The Radio's Wolf Like Me on the way back. I actually found myself liking this one country song about jumping on the grenade so your friend can get himself some. I visited what was is apparently the biggest hunting store in America so I could purchase a proper jacket for the cold ass weather. I feel in love with lots of hot Mormon girls. I even saw Spider-man 3 and laughed at Jazz Dancing Emo Spidey.

Sober the whole time.

It should be a crime, I say. You know what's a crime in Utah? Holding two drinks in your hand at the same time. Found that one out a few years ago when I lasted visited. Its illegal to double fist in Utah. And they don't have bars, they have clubs where you pay for a nightly membership which includes the first two drinks with the price. And they still smoke in clubs out there! What is up with your wack laws, Utah?! Have you anything to say for yourself??!

The State of Utah pleads the Fifth on that one.

You wanna see what my friends got for me before I left? Check it out:

That's from New Warriors # 2! The one where they take on Midnight's Fire and the villiany of A.I.M. weaponry. Wanna to read more about it? Do it! I was thoroughly stoked when Tony and Ryan presented this to me. They are what you call, Homies For Life. Much better than what you guys and girl got me! And don't even give me that "we didn't know it was your birthday" crap. You should have just known! What other things about me does your ignorance reign supreme? WHAT COLOR ARE MY EYES!?

You all should be ashamed of yourselves on this glorious, Utah-free morning...


Jason said...

Listen man, I gave you not one, but two pics of Cap Rider, so there's yer birthday present right there.

Irregardless, you obviously have the gretest "real" friends in the world (as opposed to us fake internet friends). I trust you will hang your page of bad-i-cal-ness somewhere with pride.

pachoob said...

yeah, i gave you a hangover and overly-priced brunch in the castro. happy birthday. but if you want to go on the gay russian river canoeing trip let me know, i guess.

Spencer Carnage said...

Fine, fine, Jason. Ghost riding the cap is the gift that keeps on giving. We're straight until next year.

As for the gay russian river canoeing trip...I would never have believed it myself. But there it was. On a huge ass billboard. Talk about demographics.

pachoob said...

the castro is a place like no other, god bless its little queer heart. i rarely go there but i'm very glad to live in the same city as it does.

Spencer Carnage said...

Its nice to know that brunch with me was reason enough for you to venture into the land of Gay Russian River Trips, Seth. It means alot to me.