Tales To Admonish # 28

So I was at this party Saturday and I'm outside hanging out when I hear two people, a guy and a girl, talking about the Transformers Movie so naturally I'm all "totally. And another thing..." followed by an introduction of my esteemed self. We start talking, to which I discover the girl, whose cute, reads comics so I decide its time to test the nature of the relationship between her and her male companion by making some well-placed crack about how they make a cute couple and she's all "noooooo, not even, nuh uh, never. we're just friends."

A'ight, a'ight. Let's do this!

We start talking and she's all convinced that Alan Moore is a satanist and I'm no, girl, he's a wiccan or quite possibly a warlock(maybe both!), I can't remember correctly and really, you should read Promethea because its good, even for all the magical wankery. And I'm cracking jokes and she's laughing and does that thing where a girl touches your arm that gets you thinking things like "I'm so gonna score a mad fat make out sesh in the bathroom before the night's over!" and keep on with my bad ass self. I mean, a cute girl that likes comics AND my idiotic jokes? That's like rolling a natural twenty.

We chat some more and its all good in the hood, y'all until she mentions how she really wants to read the copy of Lost Girls that her boyfrie-WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!?! Boy-friend!??!?! "Whatever you want to call him. Its complicated." Indeed it is, sister. Especially with a Bee Eff that bought Lost Girls. But N E WAYS I need some more water, because see, I'm the designated driver and therefore I have to drink lots of water in order to maintain some kind of illusion that we're all here for the same thing which is to consume beverages, so I'm gonna go and get me some more water and quite possibly some chips right before I stop in at the john. I'll brb so we can continue this nice friendly chat. Upon removing me from the situation, my friend is all "Dude, I came out to say what up but I saw you talking to that cute girl and she's kind of red head too, so maybe what they say about red head's being extinct by 2025 isn't really true, thanks to the pimping efforts of the Spencer D. Carnage!!! Yeah!!! High five to Propagating the Ginger Species!!!!!!"

Yeah, ummm...no. she's got a boyfriend. She also mentioned that she has crippling social anxiety except when she's drinking. Nexties! And what was nexties, you ask? Nexties was a girl that I started talking to about Broken Social Scene that had MILD potential despite not being a fan of the comics however she stunk up the bathroom right before it was my turn to use it so I nixed that shit. At a party. In LA. Who does THAT?! Plus, she was kind of lame, but whatevs.

I don't know about you, but my life in general is way more interesting when there isn't some uppity girlfriend and/or wife in the way, damaging the fundamental nature of my character. I find that I become a much more entertain read.

Next issue: Spencer tries to sleep with not one, but two 19 year college girls with the same name! And whose that on the cover of the local free newspaper? Its Secret Wars! Also, the villiany of the Mortgage Industry.....REVEALED!!!!

Just sayin'

I called dibs on coining the term "Skrullektra"! The proof is in the pudding, my friends. Google "Skrullektra" and check the dates. We can wait.

Some rants inspired by the Marvel Solicitations for September 2007

Every now and then, about once a month, 12 times a year, all year long, Marvel likes to give us "fanboys" a sneak peek into what's coming out. The recent solicitations brought up something that I felt the need to kick around out in the open with the hope that I might understand this insular world that I have embraced to the inner core of my being.

One thing I don't get? Fans that get burned about the sudden stream of comic book appearances of a character due to that said character being featured up in a next big super hero blockbuster movie. The new crop of Silver Surfer related projects and appearances is what got me thinking in this direction. You dudes just get hella burnt, you do.

News of the black suit making its appearance in Spider-man 3 and everyone is all "sighs" and whines. Its funny because the people making these kind of remarks are mostly DC fans. As if the idea of Marvel trying to get some extra dollars by indirectly tieing in some of their comic books to their corresponding movies really turns your screw. However, when DC puts out a Silver Age collection of classic Brainac stories around the same time the latest Superman movie comes out in which Brainac is the feature villian, everyone is all "These stories are blowing mind! Yippie skippy!" Not trying to stir things up, its just an observation. Marvel fans get like that, too. Recently at New Joe Fridays, someone had to question Marvel's reasoning behind the Back In Black storyline. You almost feel like the Powers That Be have to apologize for the forthcoming movies editorializing the comics. Don't know about you, but it seems the way to run a business is to capitalize upon any kind of success and milk it for all its worth. When you're done with that, slap a variant cover on that summabitch!

Also, while we're vaguely on the subject of new solicitations....anyone notice a lack of the Black Panther title being solicited? Has it been canceled and I just missed it? If it was officially canceled, I imagine there would have been a nice little storm of thinly veiled racism and the subsequent commentary making its way across my screen. Until now, nothing yet.

The Agony Of A Pull-List

Taking a page from Jason's blog, I have decided to do my own little break down of what goes into putting together a pull-list. Unlike the Jason, the process itself is a bit grueling. A lot of the titles that I used to pull have recently fallen out of favor with me. And the ones I do like are either being put out bi-annually or on the cusp of being wrapped up. There is also the waiting-for-trade factor. I could never justify to myself that purchasing a movie 15 minutes at a time is a smart thing to do, therefore, why do the same for comic books?

With that being said, here's a little insight into what I am going to pulling and why.

MUST-HAVES

• All Star Superman: Morrison and Quietly can do no wrong. Expect that whole lateness thing. We can overlook that aspect of things.


• Astonishing X-men: We are, what...two issues away from finishing this up? Its beyond good, but its nostalgia wank off material through and through. But dayum...... that Cassidy dude can illustrate something fierce!


• Astro City: I finally read the first three trades this past summer. All I can say is phenomonal. Dark Age is slowly making its way out and the issue I read has still got me interested in it. Kurt Busiek is completely ruly.


• Doctor Frankenstein: High concept all the way. Not as funny as Shaolin Cowboy, but the action is definitely there. At one point, Frank beats up a werewolf and all her pups in a sequence that was quite well done. This might be wrapped, on hiatus, taking forever, I don't remember.


• Iron Fist: The best book to come out from Marvel last year. Finally, we have an Iron Fist comic to be proud of. Fighting off the agents of Hydra, both as Danny Rand the entrepreneur and Iron Fist, the Fist on Knonshu. Great stuff.


• New Warriors: I have to get this. If anything, just to give me a reason to further show the world the only redeeming thing to come out of comics in '91 and '92 was New Warriors vol 1., #s 1 through 25.


• Nova: Nova's my dawg! What?!


• Planetary: Only one issue to go, right? Nevermind that its turned into a slow burn. Nevermind that lackluster ending. Nevermind that it Hailey's Comet has been spotted 3 times since the last issue hit the stands. Its Planetary. If you do not know what that really means, Warren Ellis hates you. More than he already did.


• Shaolin Cowboy: Its awesome cubed. Geof Darrow is just bedazzling. That's right. I said it: bedazzling. The talent of his art combined with his humor will blow your mind. And not some Chris Sims' "Batman punching a dog" blow your mind, but jive-talking demons trying to rustle up on the Shaolin Cowboy while he is being pursued by a baby with bloody hands that keeps saying "mine!" over and over again kind of blow your mind. You have to read it to love it. It also has a talking horse. Or maybe he's a mule. Either way, talking horses/mules are the new monkey. I think its on hiatus, but when it was going, it was bi- or tri-monthly. Something aggravating like that.


• Stray Bullets: Nevermind that it only comes out once a year. David Lapham will always rule and this book, as weird as it can get sometimes, is worth the wait. This is one of the books that I will buy monthly and then randomly pick up a TPB so I can reread it in a convenient manner. Thanks to that consumer strategy, David Lapham can afford to get cheese with that hamburger.


• Wintermen: Hey, look! Its another semi-annual-if-you're-lucky comic book! Wintermen. Boy, do I love this comic. Trying to sum it up for those who most likely have not read it yet is hard. Ex-Cold War Russian Superhumans turned quasi-policemen/criminals, walking what's left of the Soviet beat. One issue, our protagonist is sent to Brooklyn to track down a superhuman child that was kidnapped by radioactive organ dealers, another issue its business as usual for some crooked cops trying to get by in Mother Russia. John Paul Leon's(Earth X) line heavy, photo-realistic art style is perfect for Brian Lewis's script. The dialogue reads as close to Russian-translated-into English as you can get it. None of what I just said probably made any sense, unless you have read and liked Wintermen. If so, then you too know the pain that is enjoying something so much, even if you don't really know what you just read.


• X-men: Best X-book on the stands. I know, its crazy, but it is. Carey and crew have made me care about a bunch of X-men that I pretty much wrote off a long time ago. Even Cable! He has brought the mutant baby from the future back to his roots which is a dude with a bunch fo guns that also happens to be a mutant. That's okay with me. And Bachalo? Your confuso-vision art styles is giving me wood. Like that one scene when Northstar super-speed pummeled the Astonishing X-men? Fan-tast-ick. Let's just hope that this summer's X-crossover doesn't blow this whole thing for all of us.

MAYBES

• Captain America: This is a solid book. But then they killed Steve Rogers. Things will be interesting, but I have this feeling that owning the trade will better choice.


• Countdown: With Paul Dini, this could be really good. I didn't pick up 52, but I always read the weekly column over at Newsarama.


• Daredevil: Another great book that screams "Buy The Trade!" at me. I loved the Prison arc, but I felt that it was written for the trade. If that's the case, why bother with single issues?


• New Avengers: As much as I say I hate this book and what's it done to my sleeping habits, I still continue to pick it up. When I go a month or two without it, I feel like I finally beat Athlete's Foot. Then I see it and I get that itch again.....
  
  Brian Michael Bendis has some really good ideas floating around this book. Its the execution that's lacking. Punching and blasting has been replaced with quiping and blabbering. The past few issues have been a little better in that department, but we are dealing with this Ronin crap. Bendis comes up with a half-way decent idea but ends up shooting himself in the foot. Bringing the Sentry into the Marvel U.? Not a bad idea. Just make sure you get rid of him for when the ninjas show up. Introduce a mysterious ninja-Avenger and have everybody guessing? Why not. Its comics. Dumb things are SUPPOSED to happen like that. Let's try and refrain from the whole "She's a he!" for obvious reasons. Resolve this Xorn thing once and for all? Not a bad idea, but good luck. Wait, what did I just read? Its fan-fiction in the worst way. Reading it, I tend to find myself wanting to either rewrite it myself or at least explain certain things that should have been explained. If there was a way that Bendis could read this without using his message board as the gauge of whether or not its good, we might be okay. I want to like it, but he's making it so hard.


• World War Hulk: Romita rules and Pak has been more than decent on some of the stuff I have read. But is a crossover, which will probably force into making some Get Your World War Hulk On jokes....and that's not so good, now is it.

Having typed all of that, I am coming up with one conclusion: superhero comics just ain't what they used to be. Its such a commitment that hardly pays off as much as I pay out. And the ones that do pay off, make me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit forever and are probably further away from super hero comics that your average spandex book.

Have superhero comics abandoned me or have I abandoned superhero comics? Or am I just reading the wrong comics? Is possible that I choose the wrong side and that I might be much happier in a shared universe with multiple earths and youthful wards? Should I stop posing in front of the mirror in tights and start gazing down in that there inny/outy navel of mine? Is turning Japanese the answer? Can Manga help me hug it out with this adolescent power fantasy that hides inside of me? Should I even bother with a pull list? If I can't even commit to a monthly pull, how could I possibly commit myself to other aspects of my life? Will I die alone, with only a bunch of long boxes filled with incomplete runs of my favorite comics to my name?

If there was a soundtrack to my life, it would be playing Soul Asylum's Runaway Train on continuous loop right about now....

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded.....

Here we go again....

Convuluted, confusing continuity is killing our chances at getting new readers! How in the world will we ever jump on if Marvel and DC will not sit still for one damn moment!?

Excuse me while I breath a sigh of slight annoyance. I absolutely love Heidi's blog, along with a lot of the people that share the same opinions that she has, however I beg to differ on at least one point: Continuity-driven comics are not the problem.

The problem is getting kids to pick up comics. Once we figure out which magic bullet that is, continuity will not be a road block. If anything, it will sell more comics, just like it does now for the established fan base. If kids want it enough, they will wade through an ocean of back issues to get the stories they want to read. And they will enjoy doing so. If the mainstream super hero comics ever manage to find themselves on the kids' radar, floppies and graphic novels will fly off of the shelf, with continuity driving a significant portion of those sales.

Have you looked a child's room lately? Most, if not all, are littered with toys that all most likely share a common brand and/or theme. My nephew went crazy over Thomas The Tank Engine and did everything in his power to let everyone in our family know that when it comes time to buy him something, buy him Thomas The Tank Engine. Kids are completists. My best friend's daughter needs to have anything and everything with Disney's Princesses on it. If she was old enough to read and there was a comic book for the Disney Princess characters, she would have it already along with every back issue and trade that she could convince her parents to buy for her. Instead of the Disney Princesses comic, she has books. Kids want to have each and every thing of whatever it is they are obsessed with. If that obsession turned to Civil War, you can bet your sweet ass they would get every tie-in they could. What they could not get, they would read right off of the rack. I know I did.

Another similiar argument I hear alot on the internet is how the movie version and comic book version do not completely match up. Its an interesting argument, but one I disagree with completely. The first comic book I read was a GI Joe comic. I was eight years old and completely in love with the cartoon and the toys. The thought of reading the GI Joe comic book never crossed my mind until my 6 year old friend and neighbor asked for me to help him read it. After reading that issue, I started collecting the comic on the regular basis. At no point did the fact that the comic book and the cartoon did not completely match up hinder my ability to enjoy it. I might have asked myself "where's Cobra La from the cartoon? How come the Cobra Commander/Fred storyline in the comic isn't discussed on TV? And what about those space monsters and the black pyramid?" at least once, but that was a one time thing only. Maybe I was some kind of freak occurence in the realm of kids that read comics back in the 80s, but I doubt it. Any disconnect between the comics themselves and their TV and/or movie versions will probably do little to dissuaded a determined child. If kids want it, they will get it. In the long run, they will probably enjoy the comic book much more because it does not have to undergo the same creation-by-commitee problems that plague other forms of media.

Using the complaint "the continuity is too complicated" and "this media version does not match up with this media version" when describing the problems with getting kids to read comic books are completely off base and do nothing but show how completely out of touch you are. Passing off your bias towards super hero comics that exist in a shared universe as the reason why kids are not buying comic books is not an accurate assessment of the situation.

In my opinion, the main problem that the Big Two face in regards to continuity is not that they are a slave to it, but the fact that they are doing such a piss poor job at making it work. Continuity should never trump a good story. However, if you feel the need to play with Stan's toys, please understand that its a borrowed toy that you have to share with not only other creators but with the readers, too. The reason why Fabian Nicenza's Cable & Deadpool and The New Thunderbolts CW tie-in issues were so well received from both new and old readers was because Nicenza understands the nature of his job as work-for-hire at Marvel Comics, allowing for him to manuever his way around editorially interference and still tell the story he wants to tell. Continuity, if used currently, can only enrich the reading experience. I imagine that all that continuity that comes with Dragonball Z (this generation's Akira) does nothing but sell more volumes of Dragonball Z as the kids struggle to learn about their beloved Goku and his great, big extended family.

If Marvel was smart, they would have put those Ultimates and Iron Man cartoons on the Cartoon Network. Watching Ultimate Captain America beat the hell out of some bad guys was exactly what I and every other kid I knew growing up would have loved to do on a friday night. As a few bloggers can atest to, the Marvel and DC cartoons of the 90s helped get them into comics. GI Joe is what did it for me. I am almost positive that a good number of manga bloggers can point to the japanese animation cartoons from the late 90's and early 00's as to what helped them make the leap.

At some point, the kids will come back. Give them time. It may not be this huge exodus that people are clamoring for, but they will come. Once they are hooked, they will swim circles around things like continuity. There is a CGI movie with Ninja Turtles right around the corner. Whoever has the comic book license for that property would be very smart to give away free copies of a newly launched TMNT to every child that comes through those doors because if there is one thing that little kids love its god damn ninjas and CGI characters.