A bunch of super hero comics I bought in 2008, part 2

What kinds of crazy super heroic comic books could possibly make me come about my blogging hibernation? Well, I think its safe to say that we all know the answer to that one question, now don't we.

Secret Invasion # 1. Yes. It is true. I have just read Secret Invasion # 1 and now I'm gonna throw a bunch of hate all over it 'cause how we do when we do it. Where can we start on this? From what you heard (if you have not had the pleasure of reading it) its got all kinds of your typical Brian Michael Bendis speechifying in the word balloons. And of course, its completely foreign and alien to those who have not been following along this little ride that Marvel's Golden Boy has taken the Marvel U on. This things that people say are unfalse! You can't just pick up the Bible and start reading at Revelations, my friends! You gotta get on at Genesis and see how that shit rides.

Luckily, I'm one of those morons that starting reading this Marvel Bible at the beginning. I may have skipped a couple chapters of Numbers and Deuterononmy(sp?), but I got the main picture all mapped out in my head. Something has been amiss for awhile now and today is the day that we take a moment to sort this crap out.

Having read this first issue I have decided that this isn't a very good book. Why?

Bendis can't do melodramatic. He just can't. His forte is the half-assed comedic scripting that he culled from Aaron Sorkin's assorted TV dramas and faux-cheekiness of the WB's Tuesday night line up, with the "realistic" stutter of some guy named David Mamet. Its HBO Sopranos Cool disseminated through the likes Hank Pym and Luke Cage. Every character is smart and funny, except for those who TRY to be smart and funny, only to their own mid-fight embarassment. More often than not, it is pretty damn boring.

From the moment that Iron Man opens his stupid mouth on the first page, to the shocking reveal at the end, everything comes with a self-imposed weight that does not deliver in any kind of convincing manner whatsoever. When Tony Stark tells us readers that he's telling us the biggest secret there is in the world, the eyes only roll.

We've seen this all before. It was called Civil War and it had heroes fighting other heroes. Throwing in the added bonus that some of these heroes are really just aliens in disguise makes it a little more interesting. I just can't help but think that its a premise that is not in capable hands. And that feeling seems to permeate alot of what Marvel has been putting out the past two years. These are great ideas that I could do a million times better. And I'm a horrible writer.

But I'll be around until the end, if only to give me something to hate about.

Now the new All Star Superman # 10? That's a great book. Everything that Secret Invasion # 1 did wrong, All Star Superman # 10 did right. Each page is packed with something new. We aren't just flipping through a comic book about Superman, we're turning a new corner with him. Its all ground that we have traveled before. We just have a better guide than we did last time. We have a writer that is able to make us stop and look at everything differently. This is, without a doubt, a Superman tale that will be remembered for a long, long time by fans of both super hero and non-super hero genres.

But I'm feeling like you all knew that, right? Right.

Looking at DC & Marvel, but through Octopi Eyes!

You remember how not too long ago I was all hating on comics for being crappy? Well, they're still mostly crappy, and thank god for that because without crappy comics I don't think any of us would ever have a reason to go online, but I'm finding my distaste for them going on a seasonal decline. Why? Beats the hell out of me, really. Since I won't have the funds until friday to purchase new vittles for my comic book reading appetite, I've been going through some old trades to get my jones on. I can't think of a better time and place than now to talk about them so let's do just that!


JSA: The Golden Age
As you all know, I am not what you call a 'DC Guy.' When I think of DC comics, I think of playing peanuckle with my grandma while sipping tea on lazy sunday afternoon. Its great and all, but I'd rather be doing other things. That's just me, though. The good thing about JSA: The Golden Age is that it is the DCU straying away from that middle-of-the-road super hero business and getting down and dirty with it. Its got that edginess laid out in front of you, but with a touch of class that usually escapes most Marvel comics. Using the Red Scare as a backdrop, James Robinson crafted a well thought out suspense thriller that works as a great send off to the bygone era of the 40's and 50's mystery men. Re-reading this makes me wish that there was a comic where Alan Scott punchs Hal Jordan AND Guy Gardner in their stomachs to show the world how sissy they really are when compared to the Tower Of A Man That Is Alan Scott The Original Green Lantern, big puffy sleaves and all. Alan Scott is the type of guy that will be 80+ years old, sitting in a wheelchair, talking about how he could whoop your uppity 20 something year old punk ass. And he probably would, too. Alan Scott is not one to be fussed with. When I first read this a year or two ago, it actually made me want to catch up on the JSA and see how things were going for them in the current DCU. Maybe one of these days I will. Until then, I can look at this Elseworlds Tale and say "Me and Hourman have something in common: we've both done drugs!" Not even reading Amazing Spider-man can make me say that. And that's something.


Fantastic Four: 1 2 3 4
The only FF comics I own are Civil War Tie-ins or are drawn by Mark Bagley. I like the FF, but I just haven't read the right FF story to get me completely hooked. I know, I know, apparently John Byrne is where its at with this book. Enough already. I got this trade because, well....its Grant Morrison and Jae frickin' Lee! And its gooooood. Dark, moody, and scary as all hell at points. Morrison takes one of the brightest, shiniest super hero teams and puts them up against the ropes while Lee illustrates it all for us to see in usual dark and moody style, which works out great to accent to the feeling of DOOM hanging over our heroes' heads. Through the eyes of Grant Morrison, you get a real sense of what makes these characters tick. Its a psychological thriller that only lets up when the good guys finally beat on the bad guy. Its not enough to make want to buy everything FF yesterday, but it helps push me in the right direction.


Kingdom Come
I don't know what's so bad about Alex Ross. Sure, he's all antiquated in ways regarding the DCU and the only new changes that he acknowledges are those that lean towards the ones we see made in Kingdom Come, but brothers and sisters.....the dude can paint. And sure, sometimes the painting comes off as stiff and doesn't explode at you from the page like a Kirby panel would, but that's 90% of the guys working in the industry right now. Regardless, y'all got your opinions and I got mine. Let's move on, shall we?

I like Kingdom Come because I like Alternate Futures. They're fun. Its always interesting to see what time can do to our beloved heroes and villians. What do you think Spider-man's gonna be like when he's older? Let's go to the future and see! You ever think Wolverine will just keep on living while the rest of the X-men die, and if so, will he be all emo sad about it? Let's go to the future and see! Now I can agree with you that most stories that jump forward in time are usually piles of crap. But we're talking about super hero comics here. They're all usually are just big piles of crap. Knocking the premise just because a writer doesn't know what to do with it is unfair and childish.

What Kingdom Come is, is a love letter to DC. Apparently DC has a lot comics that function on this same kind of level, its just that Kingdom Come is doing it like Woah. Kingdom Come works so well as a love letter from Mark Waid and Alex Ross to the DCU that, that love is so great and exponentially infecting that it even transferred itself on to me. That's right! Kingdom Come knocked a little bit of ice off of my cold, cold Marvel heart. I even gave my friend Ryan, a DC fan, a hug after reading this. Its interesting when you compare Kingdom Come to what's going on right now in the current DCU. Not that I'm reading a lot of DC comics, but by the look of things, its getting pretty bad. If I must say, its starting to look like Marvel comics stayed over for the weekend and left the DCU with nothing to show for it except a heaping dose of STDs. If the current issue of the Flash is a clear cut indicator of what DC is doing as a whole(which it seems it has been the past week), DC and Fun had themselves a little bit of a falling out. I thought One Year Later was our way of getting away from all that negativity, but it looks like they're still knee deep in it over there. Sorry, DC fans, but it seems that the Marvel way of doing things is so damn lucrative and appealing that the guys in charge are trying to steal our thunder! We're just better looking, is all! Don't believe me? Go check out the Bendis Board! Nothing but 20 to 30 something year old hotties posting about New Avengers and Veronica Mars! LOL!

Spoil Sport

THE FLASH: THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE #14
Written by Marc Guggenheim
Art by Tony S. Daniel & Art Thibert
Cover by Joshua Middleton

DC Comics announces the second month of a special FLASH promotion as the Fastest Man Alive’s world changes forever! Retailers: please check your the Previews order form for a special incentive designed to help you meet the demand for this story. Fans: remind your retailer early and often to order you a copy!
On sale July 18 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

Happy Earth Day!

In celebration of this fine Earth that we live on, I bring you this:


The Flash getting beat up by hippies.

The Agony Of A Pull-List

Taking a page from Jason's blog, I have decided to do my own little break down of what goes into putting together a pull-list. Unlike the Jason, the process itself is a bit grueling. A lot of the titles that I used to pull have recently fallen out of favor with me. And the ones I do like are either being put out bi-annually or on the cusp of being wrapped up. There is also the waiting-for-trade factor. I could never justify to myself that purchasing a movie 15 minutes at a time is a smart thing to do, therefore, why do the same for comic books?

With that being said, here's a little insight into what I am going to pulling and why.

MUST-HAVES

• All Star Superman: Morrison and Quietly can do no wrong. Expect that whole lateness thing. We can overlook that aspect of things.


• Astonishing X-men: We are, what...two issues away from finishing this up? Its beyond good, but its nostalgia wank off material through and through. But dayum...... that Cassidy dude can illustrate something fierce!


• Astro City: I finally read the first three trades this past summer. All I can say is phenomonal. Dark Age is slowly making its way out and the issue I read has still got me interested in it. Kurt Busiek is completely ruly.


• Doctor Frankenstein: High concept all the way. Not as funny as Shaolin Cowboy, but the action is definitely there. At one point, Frank beats up a werewolf and all her pups in a sequence that was quite well done. This might be wrapped, on hiatus, taking forever, I don't remember.


• Iron Fist: The best book to come out from Marvel last year. Finally, we have an Iron Fist comic to be proud of. Fighting off the agents of Hydra, both as Danny Rand the entrepreneur and Iron Fist, the Fist on Knonshu. Great stuff.


• New Warriors: I have to get this. If anything, just to give me a reason to further show the world the only redeeming thing to come out of comics in '91 and '92 was New Warriors vol 1., #s 1 through 25.


• Nova: Nova's my dawg! What?!


• Planetary: Only one issue to go, right? Nevermind that its turned into a slow burn. Nevermind that lackluster ending. Nevermind that it Hailey's Comet has been spotted 3 times since the last issue hit the stands. Its Planetary. If you do not know what that really means, Warren Ellis hates you. More than he already did.


• Shaolin Cowboy: Its awesome cubed. Geof Darrow is just bedazzling. That's right. I said it: bedazzling. The talent of his art combined with his humor will blow your mind. And not some Chris Sims' "Batman punching a dog" blow your mind, but jive-talking demons trying to rustle up on the Shaolin Cowboy while he is being pursued by a baby with bloody hands that keeps saying "mine!" over and over again kind of blow your mind. You have to read it to love it. It also has a talking horse. Or maybe he's a mule. Either way, talking horses/mules are the new monkey. I think its on hiatus, but when it was going, it was bi- or tri-monthly. Something aggravating like that.


• Stray Bullets: Nevermind that it only comes out once a year. David Lapham will always rule and this book, as weird as it can get sometimes, is worth the wait. This is one of the books that I will buy monthly and then randomly pick up a TPB so I can reread it in a convenient manner. Thanks to that consumer strategy, David Lapham can afford to get cheese with that hamburger.


• Wintermen: Hey, look! Its another semi-annual-if-you're-lucky comic book! Wintermen. Boy, do I love this comic. Trying to sum it up for those who most likely have not read it yet is hard. Ex-Cold War Russian Superhumans turned quasi-policemen/criminals, walking what's left of the Soviet beat. One issue, our protagonist is sent to Brooklyn to track down a superhuman child that was kidnapped by radioactive organ dealers, another issue its business as usual for some crooked cops trying to get by in Mother Russia. John Paul Leon's(Earth X) line heavy, photo-realistic art style is perfect for Brian Lewis's script. The dialogue reads as close to Russian-translated-into English as you can get it. None of what I just said probably made any sense, unless you have read and liked Wintermen. If so, then you too know the pain that is enjoying something so much, even if you don't really know what you just read.


• X-men: Best X-book on the stands. I know, its crazy, but it is. Carey and crew have made me care about a bunch of X-men that I pretty much wrote off a long time ago. Even Cable! He has brought the mutant baby from the future back to his roots which is a dude with a bunch fo guns that also happens to be a mutant. That's okay with me. And Bachalo? Your confuso-vision art styles is giving me wood. Like that one scene when Northstar super-speed pummeled the Astonishing X-men? Fan-tast-ick. Let's just hope that this summer's X-crossover doesn't blow this whole thing for all of us.

MAYBES

• Captain America: This is a solid book. But then they killed Steve Rogers. Things will be interesting, but I have this feeling that owning the trade will better choice.


• Countdown: With Paul Dini, this could be really good. I didn't pick up 52, but I always read the weekly column over at Newsarama.


• Daredevil: Another great book that screams "Buy The Trade!" at me. I loved the Prison arc, but I felt that it was written for the trade. If that's the case, why bother with single issues?


• New Avengers: As much as I say I hate this book and what's it done to my sleeping habits, I still continue to pick it up. When I go a month or two without it, I feel like I finally beat Athlete's Foot. Then I see it and I get that itch again.....
  
  Brian Michael Bendis has some really good ideas floating around this book. Its the execution that's lacking. Punching and blasting has been replaced with quiping and blabbering. The past few issues have been a little better in that department, but we are dealing with this Ronin crap. Bendis comes up with a half-way decent idea but ends up shooting himself in the foot. Bringing the Sentry into the Marvel U.? Not a bad idea. Just make sure you get rid of him for when the ninjas show up. Introduce a mysterious ninja-Avenger and have everybody guessing? Why not. Its comics. Dumb things are SUPPOSED to happen like that. Let's try and refrain from the whole "She's a he!" for obvious reasons. Resolve this Xorn thing once and for all? Not a bad idea, but good luck. Wait, what did I just read? Its fan-fiction in the worst way. Reading it, I tend to find myself wanting to either rewrite it myself or at least explain certain things that should have been explained. If there was a way that Bendis could read this without using his message board as the gauge of whether or not its good, we might be okay. I want to like it, but he's making it so hard.


• World War Hulk: Romita rules and Pak has been more than decent on some of the stuff I have read. But is a crossover, which will probably force into making some Get Your World War Hulk On jokes....and that's not so good, now is it.

Having typed all of that, I am coming up with one conclusion: superhero comics just ain't what they used to be. Its such a commitment that hardly pays off as much as I pay out. And the ones that do pay off, make me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit forever and are probably further away from super hero comics that your average spandex book.

Have superhero comics abandoned me or have I abandoned superhero comics? Or am I just reading the wrong comics? Is possible that I choose the wrong side and that I might be much happier in a shared universe with multiple earths and youthful wards? Should I stop posing in front of the mirror in tights and start gazing down in that there inny/outy navel of mine? Is turning Japanese the answer? Can Manga help me hug it out with this adolescent power fantasy that hides inside of me? Should I even bother with a pull list? If I can't even commit to a monthly pull, how could I possibly commit myself to other aspects of my life? Will I die alone, with only a bunch of long boxes filled with incomplete runs of my favorite comics to my name?

If there was a soundtrack to my life, it would be playing Soul Asylum's Runaway Train on continuous loop right about now....

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded.....

Listen up, DC Comics!

How To Get Me To Borrow A Copy Of Supergirl




Make it non-continuity and throw Darwyn Cooke on it. Charming and cute, Supergirl would be that girl next door with a mischievous smile and a secret. Readers should have a crush on Supergirl, giving anything to be her romantic interest or best friend. Drenched in nostalgia and classic Silver Age goodness, a Darwyn Cooke Supergirl would be light, entertaining and fun. It would be a welcome respite from the "mature" stories of the current DCU. Of course Darwyn Cooke is not the only DC writer out there that could do the character right, but if you could find a better person for the job, please say so.



How To Get Lots Of Fan Boys To Buy Supergirl




Sales on Supergirl would probably skyrocket if they fully embraced the cheesecake potential that superhero comics are all about. Even though the Supergirl book is currently in the realm of cheesecake, it suffers from the lack of a good artist. Churchill always seems to be 5 steps behind the Image founders, such as Jim Lee and Rob Liefeld. Although there are a barrage of notable bloggers that would be even more upset at the Supergirl book than they are now, sales would be decent and all hope lost. Increase her bust size and get an artist that knows how to draw an attractive woman. It wouldn't suit my personal tastes, of course, but its safe to say that there is a very healthy percentage of fanboys out there would favor that kind of creative change. Just look to the fan art on the web to get an idea of what some fan boys want from a Supergirl comic. Sexy, Seductive, and Stacked.



How To Get Me to Love Supergirl




Of the few Supergirl incarnations I have read, Alan Moore's Suprema was the best. A Silver Age character displaced from the Supremeverse of 50s and brought into our modern world, she was loud mouthed, opinionated and intolerant of all the grim and gritty heroes of the 90s. Her appearance in the issues of Supreme and Youngblood always stole the show. Like your morally superior and somewhat overbearing sister, is was her duty to remark on her contemporaries' methods of heroism and their complete lack of proper decorum while swooping in to save their asses.


The Supergirl that fans are faced with now is one that does not understand her place. Writers are relying upon third rate teenage melodrama as a means of showing her going through the paces of maturing into the hero that she should be. When Supergirl first appeared, it was at a time when being a hero was something that just came naturally with no questions asked. Putting a Silver Age character like Supergirl through the Marvel Comics Merry-Go-Round of Faux Realism defeats the point of the character. Smoking, drinking, and making out with an alternate reality version of your cousin will never make for an engaging Supergirl comic. Happily punching bad guys while chewing out Batman for being such a stick in the mud? Not in this life time.

If Judd Winick had created Wonder Woman...

Instead of this:


She would look like this:

• Instead of hailing from the Amazon Island of Themyscira, she would come from the Dressing Room of a Strip Club.


• Instead of exuding power and love, she would exude perversion and lust.


• Instead of wearing a star spangled freedom inspiring bikini and tiara, she would be wearing black lingerie and too much make up.


• Instead of a lasso that forces those who become ensnared by it to tell the truth, she would wield a whip that paralyzes others by overloading the pleasure centers of their brain.


• Instead of being revlaunched by Allan Heinberg and Jodi Picoult, she would be relaunched by Jim Balent.


• Instead of fighting alongside the JLA, she would be trying to sleep with everyone in the DCU.

And yes, she would totally be into "da butt."