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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Other Blogs That Died So That This Blog Could Live

The Dive/The Backroom/Lou's Joint/The Watering Hole/Generic Bar Name Goes Here

I was bartending for a few months last year and decided what the internet needed was a blog dedicated to superheroes and booze. Posts would include scans from comics that involve bar scenes, drinking, and Tony Stark. Also, there would be a weekly feature where a new drink would be introduced that was named after super heroes and their powers. Like most new, obscurely named cocktails, these drinks would be nothing more than variations on existing ones or simply staples that have been renamed to suit my blogging needs. From what I can remember, there was the Speedball, which was zodka, red bull and blue curacao with some sliced baby oranges floating in it, and the J.J. Jameson, a scotch and water. Clever, huh?

Best Pull Ever!

Just like Vh1's best week ever, but replace all those crappy comedians with folks like a cracker hating Falcon, a blinged out H.E.R.B.I.E., Ms. Marvel being all catty, and Starthief, talking about whatever came out that week. More of a web comic than a blog, really. Lots of potential for dumb ass comedic moments, however I don't read enough comics nor have enough time to photoshop the whole thing together. Plus, I'm probably not as funny as I think I am. Somewhere on my hard drive there is a rough script for a year end wrap up that I would LOVE to do at the end of '06, but I make no promises whatsoever.

KSPR World News

Just like the above blog idea, but instead of heroes and villians cracking wise on what happened that week, faux investigative journalism starring news reporters from the comics you love. Still snarky, but not so in your face about it. Just use some reporters from old comic panels and throw them in there with a microphone, reporting the top stories like the death of Bill Foster or the spotting of a naked Wolverine out in California. Its weird because its was way funny in my head until I just typed out this post.

Last, but not least...Forsooth, Rampage!

Since his death in Ragnarok, it was only natural that Thor would eventually be reincarnated and start a blog that focused on the rantings of fanboys online ALA Fanboy Rampage. I even started it up for a few days only to discover that not even Thor, the wielder of the mighty Mjolnir, was up for the task. Graeme should get paid lots of money for trolling around the message boards like he does. Personally, I think I went a little overboard with the Thor-isms. But then again, that was kind of point, I guess.

Uh huh.

Well, guys, its been swell talking with you all! See ya next time!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Mark Bagley and You!

Guess what happens when you use an Old Paypal account to buy Paul Pope art? Besides the obvious alliteration, it gets sent to an address you haven't lived at for over a year. I contacted Chris Pitzer at Adhouse with the vain hopes that he hadn't sent the art yet, but he's all punctual like it was cool and shit. Damn you Pitzer and your timeliness in taking my money and sending me the goods before I realized the snafu!

In case you haven't read it, Rich Johnston spoils the new Ultimate Spider-man artist. Once again, Bendis snipes a great artist from the one writer he wishes he could he be. What is up with that? "Warren Ellis is king. Yoink, Mr McNiven! I'm really enjoying NextWave. Mine, mine, mine! All mine!" Who knows what kind of role Bendis has in all of this, but he can't be held completely unaccountable, that's for sure. Then again, I'm sure Stuart Immonnen was just DYING to work on a Spider-man book that tries in earnest to make things like Omega Red and the Clone Saga cool again.

The real important questions is....what's Mark Bagley going to do next? That's what I want to know. Speculations are...

New Avengers! Bagley excels at team books and putting him on a team book with Bendis is like that time you broke up with your significant other, but you stick around for the sex and holiday companionship. You know. Its nice and all but its not really what you want.

Fill in issues on Mighty Avengers! Considering that they put an artist who has no real experience with a monthly book, its a no brainer to have Bagley come in and pitch hit every few issues. The Kuberts had a whole school to ghost from and they still brought in the Bagster. That's Mark Bagley's new name, the Bagster! Mmmm, yeah....let's not call him that.

Astonishing X-men! This would never happen, but it would be funny to see the "Pssssh. The only Marvel book I read is Whedon and Cassady's Astonishing" crowd get all bent out of shape when their faux-high class X-men get instilled with some good ol' fashion comic book POW! SOCK! BOOM! into its pages. No, Bagley would be thrown into the X-men Ghetto of Adjectiveless. And yes, that would be a good thing.

New New Warriors! It would never happen, but if it did, it probably wouldn't involve Fabian because would throw some jackoff like Kirkman on it, causing me blog more than I really want to. I would have to commit bukkake in disgrace for not becoming a professional comic book writer in time to steal that gig out from under him. Bukkake is where you kill yourself like the samurai used to do, right?

Amazing Spider-man! Yeah....probably not.

Iron Man! I could see it happening, however Tony Stark is jerk and I would have to begrudgingly fall in love with his Republican Nazi ways just because he was rendered by Mark Bagley.

Fantastic Four! I read those issue and Bagley was good but the FF pretty much belong in the DCU. (Translation, they suck! Ha ha, DC! Take THAT!) And just like my sodas, I don't do Diet. (Oww! Burn!)

Runaways! With Whedon. Now that sounds like a solid book. Although the Runaways wouldn't look as young under Mark's pencils as they do now, he has the right kind of light, airy energy that would continue to fill the seats. And considered the book's ability to bring the nostalgia, especially with Whedon on board, we could see Bagley drawing lame ass villians like an Armadillo-Porcupine team up. You know, Spencer, you just might be on to something there...either this or that new Loners book.

And that's about it. Those are the only titles I could see Mark Bagley doing, with a couple of them being thrown there with a very flimsy MAYBE backing them up. After doing a zillion years of a solo book, I'm loathe to think they would put him on another solo book, especially considering that most of them, like Captain America, Daredevil, and the Punisher are too dark in tone for his style. Same with the current Thunderbolts. Regardless, whatever book he gets thrown on, ten bucks says the Mad Thinker shows up in the first 4 issues. Its practically a law that he shows up in any book that Mark Bagley helps launch.

You see what I just did? I just cast a wide enough net so that when the time comes, I can get all up in your faces, bragging about my immense mental capacity for guessing things and predicting stuff. That's what why YOU turn to Spencer D. Carnage over at Of Course, Yeah! for all of your comic book blogging needs! He gets crap done! (Now with pictures!)

Monday, October 23, 2006

I write stuff so you can read it at work while shirking your obligations to your place of employment. Great, huh?

We have success, my friends. Not only did Blogger let me post a picture, but Spencer Carnage has also managed to purchase the debut album from the Annuals, Be He Me, for a grandoise price of $10.71 from Salzer's in Ventura, California. Yes, I got it on sale because I'm a smart shopper with impeccable style and taste. Here's a little run down of the events that transpired in my travels:

Days spent looking for the CD: 4
Stores that I went to before I found it: 10
Actual number of independent record stores that I went to: 3
Profanities muttered while driving in traffic to and fro: 19
Friends that I turned on to the Annuals last week: 3
Number of those same friends that were turned on to the Annuals because they heard it while they were stoned: 2
Vegan dishes that I ingested during the course of my pursuit: 4 (Mary's Secret Garden in Ventura is pure delight!)
Times I contemplated putting up a mock Craig's List singles ad in hopes of trading full use of my sexual faculties(females only, please!) for an unopened copy: 6
Packs of cigarettes needlessly sucked down to kick start my coping mechanism: 9
Time spent in my local comic shop trying to fill the empty void in my heart: 45 minutes

When I found the CD at Salzer's, I almost grabbed the nearest person to me(which was the male cashier) and almost kissed them. For some weird, brief second, I had felt like I walked into some cheesy teenage movie and I was fulfilling some minor subplot, second only to me getting the girl. However, I didn't kiss anyone and girls are yucky things that I only tolerate for superficial reasons so that feeling faded fast. Ok, I tolerate you ladies for non-superficial reasons, too, but its a small pie slice on the large pie graph that I use to chart our run ins with each other.

- Don't be dumb like, Spencer! Buy it online at Ace Fu Record's website! While you're at it, listen to the free mp3s!

Friday, October 20, 2006

The Authority # 1

The Authority never show up in Grant Morrison and Gene Ha's The Authority # 1. I'm sorry, did I just spoil that for you? Sorry. OMG! SPOILERZ! Yeah, those super heroes on the cover? They are not in the book. They do not show up, they do not punch bad guys, they do not cause property damage and they do not spout your typical mean-SOB-with-a-heart-of-gold lines that Warren Ellis made them do so well. I'm sure they will at some point, but not right now.

Right now, Grant Morrison takes on the human instead of the superhuman. The opening salvo brings us into the suspense and intrigue of a struggle in a submarine with unknown assailants, only to drop us off into what could be just another breakfast in another broken home. A husband with obligations that keep him away from his home life tries to comfort his subsequently distant wife, only for her to reject his attempts in one of the most chilling 3 panels sequences I've read in awhile. Panel one, contact is made. Panel two, contact is rejected as our distant wife moves away. Gene Ha's use of a blurred image is aces right here. Panel 3, the gulf of separation that exists between this married couple is reaffirmed. The lighting darkens and its curtains for this marriage. As the issue wraps up with a submarine trip that leds to the discovery of the Authority's Carrier, Gene Ha and co. deliver an amazing job that rivals John Cassady's superior usage of negative space in Planetary. Coming from the bright 4 color worlds of Top Ten, Gene Ha is flexing his artistic muscle in creating a dark, moody atmosphere that is perfect for this issue.

On a precursory glance, this issue is decompressed, reads too fast, and lacks the sufficient amount of action to be considered a superhero comic book. With a more indepth look, its rich in human drama and layered with suspense. The usual bag of "overloaded with ideas" that permeates Morrison's work is no where to be seen, undoubtably ready to burst forth in the second issue. As slow as the rhythm in this book is, it is done intentionally. Most of this issue involves a real life situation that comes of as dullish and boring. And the underwater submarine trip is stagnant of atmosphere, which I imagine any submarine trip would be like. Unless there was an octopus involved, of course. In the case of this first issue, it all provides a necessary build up for the impact of the Authority's arrival.

In true Grant Morrison form, there is a breach in the fourth wall. The whole concept of this run is built upon the idea of what our world would be like if superhumans like the Authority would show up. However, we are not the people sitting inside the submersible craft staring out at the enormously huge Carrier, wondering what's going to happen next. There is no hand from the protagonist sticking out, asking us for help or trying to identify with our worlds. No. In Morrison's Authority, we are the adolescent power fantasy underneath that black face mask, harnessing the power of sun, with sentient nano-technology covering our skin, and but a thought a way from turning nuclear arsenals into stacks of the March issue of Rolling Stone from 1981. Instead of making the heroes' world more like ours, Grant Morrison wants to make us the heroes and then throw us up against the real world.

- Gene Ha Talks Authority @ News@rama.com

- Buy this at a comic shop near you!

I'll take the Mutant power of bringing 2-D images to life now, please, thank you!

Thank you, Heidi. Because of her, I now own a fancy pants limited print (+ 24 page ashcan) by Paul Pope. Shit is hot!

Oww! Who needs girls when they make comics like these? Go buy stuff!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Why can't I find the new Annuals CD anywhere? Does it not exist? Has it magically disappeared into limbo, suffering in purgatory forever and ever? What of my purgatory? Why must I be denied what is probably one of the most talked about debut CDs of 2006?

To put it nicely, Corporate Music Chains are ruining my miserable little life right now. Its like trying to find a copy of Kupperman's Tales Designed To Thrizzle at my local comic shop. They tried to order it to no avail. And now, my OTHER obsession, has proved to be quite just as frustrating. I could have stolen it online in a move that is partially responsible for the lack of the mom and pop music store in the general vicinity. Tower Records would of had it in stock, but they've been bought out, with all their assets being moved in a liquidating sale that makes navigating the aisles a wee bit nauseating. There's the whole online routine, but damn it, its nice to walk into a store with specific items consciously floating around the brain and walk out with that Prince CD that was subconsciously staking my buying habits out.

Annuals debut album, Be He Me, was set to be released to the world at large on October 17th, 2006. Spencer D. Carnage journeyed forth to find this CD, buy it, and listen the fuck out to it. Starting this trek at high noon, he found himself wandering through the automatic doors of Best Buy just down the street from his hamlet of employment. Passing by the Raptures, TV On The Radios, and Between The Buried And Mes, it was only minutes before a painful realization was made: That shit ain't here, son. With his resolve high, the young knight pressed onward. Next stop, Borders. In this literary land of book nerds and magazine aficionados, he casually made note of the ever shrinking section devoted to the graphic novella and headed upstairs. "Do you have the Annuals CD?" Met with rejection, he wondered back down and back on to his mighty stead, the UnCivic. With only 25 minutes to finish histask, he sped on over to Fry's. Things were starting to look desperate. Fighting off the dizzying spell that uber-huge electronic stores seem to have on those inside their walls, it was with great luck that the Gods Above did not instil our protagonist with a huge, muscular frame because he was within seconds of choke slamming the closest thing resembling a manager while uttering a blood curdling scream of "WHY!?" as loud as humanly possible. Defeated, Spencer Carnage made his way back to work.

With work over(and that idiotic attempt at framing this story in a manner befit for Dungeon Masters), I rushed over to the Wherehouse back in Simi Valley where I live. "Its not Tower, but its better than Best Buy." Right? That's a logical assumption, correct? Every store I had visited on my lunch break all had copies of Arcade Fire and Animal Collective, two bands that are well within the genre that the Annuals thrive in. Wherehouse has GOT to have this CD. Uh uh. Next, we try another Borders. Nope, still no luck. With band practice only an hour away, my options are limited. But wait! Remember when I couldn't find the new Broken Social Scene in the Best Buy in Oxnard, but found crap loads at the Best Buy in Thousand Oaks?! Guess where I went next? And guess who didn't have it?

At this time, I'm a defeated man, stylishly smoking a cigarette underneath a street light in the Best Buy parking lot in hopes of showing the world my pain... MY FRUSTRATION. While driving home in blind rage at Corporate America's inability to provide me with one CD, I actually uttered the words "My Kingdom for a CD!" Tony had called me while I was driving to my last chance attempt at being a consumer for the day, inviting me over for vegetarian chili dogs. Let me tell you, if Tony and his wife Lyssa invite you over for food, you go. At Tony and Lyssa's house, your french fries come with its own little cup of ketchup. Any where else, they give you a squeeze bottle that you have to pass around the table like you were at Denny's. I'm guessing that they're vegetarian chili dog jamboree came complete with some fancy, homemade salad I ain't never seen before, lots of cheese, and a free beer. All that and you get to dance with their 2 year old daughter Reilly to songs about choo choo trains! Do you see the madness that overtook me on my quest for this CD?

At this point, I'm ready to start calling Urban Outfitters to see if they got it. That's just desperate. According to their website, they're all about Tv On The Radio, but I'm sorry, BRO, I don't want to Return To Cookie Mountain, I wanna Be He Me. And while we're at it, I'll pass on the Future Sexy Sounds and the Anti-Antis, but I might, I MIGHT be tempted to pick up the new Rapture if its playing over your loud speakers and gets my toe tapping while I look at jackets that will raise my Douchebaggery Rating by 2 points. But do they even have it in your store? Apparently not, but I'm hoping that this is some fly under the radar shit that got thrown in the box with their Junior Boys and whatever else they need to restock ytheir shelves with. I'd just drive my ass out to Amoeba after work if I wasn't in Psychology class tonight trying to find a way to classify and catalogue this newfound obsession with Annuals. At the earliest, I'll have a cure for this fever by Thursday. However, if you see the headline "Amoeba Vs. An Angry Ginger. Next time, just buy online" on Fark.com on Friday morning, you can start calling dibs on my comic book collection, which includes the seminal runs of New Warriors 1-25 and Phantom Guard 1-6.

My original intent was pretty this post with covers from selected Marvel Annuals so that the rest of you that don't care for the trivial matters of my non-comic book buying life could have something to look at, but Blogger doesn't want to let me do things like that on this computer

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Its like a message board post, minus the animated GIF of some wobbly boobs

Time for me to weigh in some things, because really, that's what this whole blogging is about: Cramming my idiotic opinions down your throat, you sexy comic blogging reading bunch, you!

Warren Ellis on Thunderbolts!

First thoughts? Wait for the trade. Actually, wait for the reviews. Taking a dip in DC's pool of ideas, Marvel gives us a book that Thunderbolts was practically made for. Psychotic Marvel Villians being utilized in a Suicide Squad-esque fashion as they take on superheroes gone rogue and other villians is great fodder for four color entertainment. If there ever was a writer that was perfectly suited for the premise, its definitely Warren Ellis. Although Warren is an immensely talented writer, his dialogue for mean SOBs is a bag tricks that I've seen and grown tired of. I doubt his work on Thunderbolts will do anything to change my superior opinions on all of that. And Deodato? Do you people really think he's that good? Really?

And good ol' Fabian.....well, at least he gets to finish up his plot lines with a mini-series focusing on Zemo, but that's it for him and the T-Bolts. I'm a bit new to the series, thanks to the Civil War Tie-ins that I enjoyed and I was looking forward to picking up the back issues along with adding it to my pull(whenever I get back on that train), but what can you do. Thankfully he's still on Cable & Deadpool which I really, really like. Yes, I too can't believe I just blogged that out loud.

New Wildcats preview

This is beautiful. Grant Morrison captures perfectly what the Wildstorm universe was about before his arrival and gives us a great glimpse into what's to come next. I simply can not wait. Wildcats started off as an X-men cover band that went through a few member changes, all to no avail. I like the idea that Morrison is going to take it back to its roots, derivative as they may be, all while including Joe Casey's recent attempt at it, and simply do it better. And his concept for Authority is just as great. Taking the Elephant out of the Wildstorm Room and putting it in the real world of today gives the rest of the Wildstorm U room to breathe.

(awkward silence)

Why does my mind work like this?

It would have been nice if he threw in some of the b-list heroes that cameoed(sp?) in Sleeper on that last panel of the two page spread. Once again, why does my mind work this way? Please submit your answers to the comments section below, thank you.

Yes, that's all I really have to say about anything new going on in comics. Great, huh?

What's else is going on guys? How you been? I know, I know, you missed me and my nancy boy shenanigans. We missed you, too. I finally listened to the podcast from AboutHeroes.com with Chris from 2 Guys Reading Comics. Chris is his usual intelligent, funny self with 7 other people, some with some smart things to say, others not so much. What's with the guy who says he's going to stop buying comics because he didn't like Civil War # whatever?
You're actually going to let a crappy comic keep you from enjoying other comics that are good? If I could have called in when I heard that, I would have.

Someone please put me on a podcast with this guy so I can tell him that yes, what you just said is idiotic and the tongue lashing I'm about to give you is on that you've probably should have received during childhood because that is where those foolish notions belong. You, the speaker, are probably a fine, upstanding young gentleman, but what you just said is grounds for a smack across the face with a glove. You sound like a dumb ass. If Ford makes a crappy car, do you stop driving? If Pizza Hut puts out a pizza that you don't like, do you stop eating altogether? If someone says something that you don't like to hear do you give up on communicating with other people? The anonymity of the internet allows for you to say some pretty stupid shit. Through the use of an online persona, you can openly tell the world that you secretly fantasize about sleeping with the teleporting Inhuman dog, Lockjaw, without any fear of reprisal from family, friends and the local comic store you shop at because you're just another BatHombre0918xx to us. You can't do that in real life. You could, but please.....don't. Just quietly step away from the comic books and we'll let you leave with your dignity intact. Its that simple.

Here's a meme I can get behind!

Oh god! Oh yes! Oh, I think I'm going to make in my pants! Brandon.... from.... Random Panels.... God, how I could kiss you right now..... Thank you...... Thank you so, so, so, so much.... And now..... introducing....


Creating your own super heroes using the Hero Machine

Through the powers of Internet Wizardry, I give you...

Alias: Unknown
Base Of Operations: Sunset Strip, Hollywood, CA
Known Affiliations: The Whiskey, The Roxy, Lila Cheney, Strong Guy, Motley Crue, Poison, Nuff Znuff, Spider-man, Dazzler, Scaggs the telepathic Chipmunk, Iron Fist
First Appearance: It Came From Beyond !!! Vol 1 # 1, 1986

Powers:Cosmic Air Guitar - Gifted with two alien rings which, when worn by a user who is air guitaring, can create nearly impenetrable force fields, shoot cosmic blasts, allow the wearer to see throw walls, and instill the feelings of excitement in others. The rings allow Du Dare Broh to create other instruments such as drums and bass, but Du Dare Broh has yet to utilize those instruments because they get you less 'tang.
Natural Charisma - Du Dare Broh's natural charisma allows him to sweet talk chicks of all alien races with remarkable ability.
Scaggs, the Telepathic Chipmunk - Du Dare Broh's companion, Scaggs the Telepathic Chipmunk allows for Du Dare to use him as another set of eyes. A spy of sorts. The distance in which they can communicate telepathically has not been determined, but Scaggs has surmised that it only allows for up to ten miles in range.

Brief History:
Raised on the Planet !!!, Du Dare Broh enjoyed his professional life of Cosmic Air Guitar Centurion when his was accidentally zapped by a mysterious beam of energy. Traveling light years across the universe, he appeared in a flash of brilliant, bright light in the middle of a Motley Crue show. At the very same moment of Du Dare Broh's appearance, a rival glam band, Wargasm, had hired Axemaster, super villian with a vibranium guitar "axe" to take out Motley Crue. Thanks to Du Dare Broh's timely intervention, the Axemaster was defeated and Wargasm's plans to kill the Crue where exposed, leading to their prompt arrest. An instant hit in the hair metal scene of LA, Du Dare Broh quickly made many friends and as well as a few enemies. While saving the Capitol Records building from the Mauler, Du Dare Broh befriended Scaggs, an alien chipmunk with telepathic powers, who helped him defeat the rampaging villian. Both strangers in a strange new land, they became fast friends and continue to act as protectors of the Sunset trip.

I dare you all to rival his awesomeness.

* I say "almost never was" because he posted it awhile ago and almost faded into oblivion until my laziness at work helped to unearth it.