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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The streets of Marvel New York be dangerous. Its bad enough that there's your usual sort of criminals that are there to mug, rape, rob, steal, kill, and abuse you. Add totally heinous super villians with names like "The Beetle" and "Stilt-Man" to the picture and walking to the bodega down the street seems like suicide. Let's give thanks and praise to the cocktail of Gamma Omega Alpha Mutagenic whatever-you-want-to-call-it and tragic loss that is the gateway drug to the addiction of vengeance and justice. Had not Peter Parker been both bitten and indirectly responsible for the death of his Uncle Ben, half the populace of New York would be dead right now. If Matt Murdock was not accidentally blinded with some glowing goop that enhanced ALL! HIS! OTHER! SENSES!, would he be able to keep the streets of Hell's Kitchen safe by punishing all criminals everywhere to make up for the death of his father? If the X-men had not been both blessed and cursed with the X-factor that gives them their mutant powers, could they still appeal to the whiny little cry baby liberal in all of us by championing the rights of the oppressed as well as they do now? It is these events that play out like a Shakespearean tragedy that allow for us to say "Hey. If I was present when that lab experiment went wrong, giving me super human strength and the ability to grow quills, it would be no problem for me to combine those newfound powers along with my sarcastic wit to rock-a-shock a criminals face in." All you need is the proper motivation and you are officially Punch-You-With-A-Fist-Full-Of-Quills-Man.

Someone rub some toxic waste on my balls!

Unfortunately, toxic waste is expensive and hard to find, radioactive spiders work under the mysterious influence of spider-totems(...whatever...), and empowerment by gamma bomb explosion has already been taken. Unless you're a mutant(which back in the 90's--!, because this is a New Warriors post, everyone was) you're S.O.L. There's only so many ways a guy can get the power of flight and with power hogs like Ms. Marvel/Warbird/Binary/Cry me a river about Rogue stealing your powers Carol Danvers and Hank Pym, you'll be lucky if you get your hands on some Linguistics.

Enter The Urban Vigilante.

Batman started the whole fad. The Punisher kicked it up a notch. Night Thrasher did it while riding a skateboard. With his parents gunned down violently, it was only a manner of time before Dwayne Taylor felt the urge to take matters into his own hand. Without the aid of super powers, Dwayne got his edge from elsewhere. Dwayne got it from Street Knowledge.

Taking a cue from the O.G. black super hero, Night Thrasher came correct. Sporting greyish-purple pants, brown boots, a black long sleeve turtle neck(with the sleeves rolled up), mother-fuggin' yellow suspenders, and a gat damn cross earing, Dwayne Taylor was pimpin'. Say what you want about the get up, but if you remember back to 1990, you were just months away from wearing your jordache jeans backwards and still trying to convince your friends that Bell Biv Devoe was da bomb. Not Dwayne Taylor! He was cutting edge and kicking ass, two things that the New Warriors excelled at. Before the magnesium flares, ninja caltrops, wrist blade, and heelflips, Night Thrasher was sneaking around on rooftops and catwalks, busting the faces of thugs everywhere. Korean gangs called him "Chan Park Kwoon So Kichi Dak" which was fake-Korean for "crap, I'm gonna get my chest kicked in" guy.

Like any War On Crime, you're gonna need soldiers. Batman has Alfred and Robin. The Punisher turned to Microchip. Night Thrasher had the brother and sister combo of Midnight's Fire and Silhouette. Cue various different snorts and giggles from the Peanuts gallery. Say what you will, but these two kids will mess you up. Midnight's Fire is all super strong and fast and Silhouette, well......all that tragedy is like an aphrodisiac and Sil and Thrash be getting it on like dogs in heat. However, the happiness is short lived.

A bust is underway. The fuzz show up. Midnight's Fire makes a hard decision about killing a cop. Dwayne stops him. Silhouette gets shot all the 'eff up in the ensuing melee.

Silhouette gets wacked while some punk calls her "baby." That's cold. Blaming Night Thrasher for his sister's death, Midnight's Fire lets the fury fly.

You see that? That shit's for life. Pay attention because there's going to be a quiz on this later.

Present day, someone's been killing folks in Korea Town again. Well, who could it be? One flashback later, Dwayne is on the case.

Not even Batman could solve a crime that fast. Now that you have your very own super hero team, let's take it to the streets and show them how its done. But first, let's have an interlude!

Hey, that's the company that was accidentally responsible for that whole Terrax debacle last issue. What are they up to? And who is this guy that's a real mad thinker? Vague....

And we're back. Trying to find some perps to beat up, the New Warriors give us a lesson in how to draw out some thugs.

Light the place up--!

Wait for the bad guys to show up--!

Stand in awe at the Bad Guy's fashion sense--!

Freak out when his friends come with A.I.M weaponry--!

Remember how I said that the streets of Marvel New York are dangerous? You can't spell "dangerous" without the word "dang" and that's what the New Warriors are thinking right now when they see these stolen A.I.M. guns. Speaking of A.I.M., they should change their name. Advanced Idea Mechanics just doesn't sound sinister enough. Advanced Idea Mechanics conjures up the idea that they are all about curing cancer and terraforming Mars to make it hospitable for the elderly. No, they should be called W.A.R. Weapons Are Radical, because that's all they do. They make weapons. And this case is no exception. However, when you're going up against the likes of KID NOVA! FIRESTAR! MARVEL BOY! SPEEDBALL! and NAMORITA! you're pretty much screwed, dude.

What about Night Thrasher? What's he up to? He's getting the crap kicked out of him, that's what he's up to! Have no fear, true believers! Just when its about to get real ugly, Night Thrasher summons up some of that Shakespearean tragedy that we talked about earlier to get the upper hand. See, Midnight's Fire's tragedy ain't nothing compared to Night Thrasher's tragedy. Sure, Midnight's Fire's sister was killed, blah blah blah, but Thrash lost his parents AND Midnight's Fire's sister who he was giving it to. You're sad for Night Thrasher right now. Its ok though, homeboy will come through.

With that inner turmoil comes the berzerker rage. Unleashing an armada of attack all over Midnight's Fire's face, your sadness is now turning into worry. Will Night Thrasher do it? Will he cross the line of no return? Will he think the unthinkable? Right when all hope is lost and Thrasher is about to do the deed, in comes Silhouette. Wait a second! Isn't she dead? No. Not dead. Crippled.

Snapping to his senses, Night Thrasher realizes the error in his ways. Dwayne's ashamed that he almost came this close to becoming the scum that he has vowed his life to fight. No matter how bad the crime is, you can't just go around killing everyone. There's a due process. We have laws. And even when though those laws allow for the dregs of society to slip through the cracks, we have super heroes like the New Warriors here to pick up the slack. You can't just KILL people because they wronged you. Take his ass to jail!

Still......there is that matter of Street Justice that must be attended to.

The important thing to remember about Street Justice is that it goes back to the days of Mesopotamia. You know, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, all that good stuff? Now that Night Thrasher has Midnight's Fire right where he wants him, what is going to do next? See, I told you there was going to be a test..

Oh, snap! Game over, man. Your thuggish ruggish days are done. Not only do the folks in Korea Town that were paying you to protect them think that you're a punk ass biz-natch, but you look all stupid, too. Maybe you can call up Madame Hydra and you two can talk about what's the best cover up to use for a messed up scar like that. If only this was the 80's, you could probably get a job as an extra in an action movie like Commando or Rambo where you play "paramilitary drug lord goon # 3". Nope. Its the 90's and the last good action movie that came out was in 1988 called Above The Law. With some luck, maybe Mario Van Pebbles' will have a straight-to-video movie that you can cameo in.......nerd.

When all is said and done, the New Warriors are a bit concerned. Leader guy just went psycho. Nova is still all pissed about being tossed off a building. He had an ongoing series way before Night Thrasher was a gleam in Fabian Nicenza's eyes. Its time for some words!

Doooooood. The guy who is in charge is also the loose cannon on the team? Fraaaaaaag. And that's why they're the Heroes For The 90's--!



Chris said...

Am I crazy or did these guys fight some all Egypt-ized Avengers at one point?

I could swear I remember something like that.

Anonymous said...

Not to totally doubt your love of Night Thrasher, but his name was Dwayne Taylor. You've written Turner.

Oh, the shame of knowing that...

Spencer Carnage said...

Jesus Christ, I'm an idiot. Thanks.

Spencer Carnage said...

Slow down there, Chris. You're like at issue 11 and we've just covered issue 2. We have Psionex, the Punisher, the Forces Of Nature, and Emma Frost to contend with first.

Anonymous said...

The Mad Thinker issue is great, because he just seems like a weird, curious chap. His conversation with Speedball is hilarious, and it's got Awesome Andy before he was big!
Now that I think about it, I like the Thinker: There's an old Fantastic Four issue, where he has every detail of his takeover of the Baxter Building timed out so he can just walk right in. When he gets there, his old android is now a giant monster, there's the Reed Richards of Counter-Earth, Thundra, Tigra, probably Annihilus...Thinker freaks out, and just walks right back out. Another villain may have tried to fight that one out, but Thinker...thinks better of it. (Ow!)