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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I can't believe I'm doing this...

Well, dang.

This is the place where everyone falls in love with the sound of my own voice. I'm gonna say things that are uber witty and deserve to be quoted in magazines.

I'm going to blog my way to the top.

Girls will want sex with me based upon the dashing debonair of my bloginess, but to these offers of sex I say "Nay" for I have another to call my own.

Joe Quesada and Dan Didio will hire legions of computer based hackers to break down the firewall of fury of my computer processing unit, passing up Porno clips and Pinback tracks to procure the scores of notepad files that have titles like "What I would do if they made me Jim Shooter.txt", "The essence of Superman in 3 panels, tops.txt", and "Spider-man: What I would do right.txt" to line their fat pockets with my creative fan boy genius.

The Rock 'n Roll Hall Of Fame will build statues in my band's likeness, exemplifying the radical nature of our rock out abilities, only to have Stallone, the Bruce Willis, and Ahnold become outraged and tear up three city blocks in thunder and chaos when we flake out because we were over in Japan collobrating with Envy and Avail on a 3 10 inch vinyl record(with etched B-sides on all three records!).

National Leaders will hold interational peace conferences on how to do deal with my inevitable death and the subsequent fall out of mourn and agony that will result in 7 years of rioting, obscene profanity, lewds of sexual conduct, and a general breakdown in social morality.

Porn shops will stock glass, rubber, and vinyl sex objects fashioned after various different parts of my sexual being.

Buffets consisting of vegetarian hot dogs, veggie chicken wraps from Garden Wok, and Cereal will be held at the Opening Night of my movie "Well, dang!" with celebrities like Dane Cook, Charlize Theron, Samuel L. Jackson, Grant Morrison, and the re-animated corpse of Akira Kurosawa in attendance.

Jesus Christ will fast forward the second coming by 392 years just so he will have a chance to hang out with me and take pictures with me and my mother.

The United States government will successfuly spearhead a shady super-secret program combining technology recovered from the Roswell crash site and Kung Fu to create an army of Mega-Humans to strike me down while I'm stuck in an Austin Airport waiting for my connecting flight to Boston to attend my very own panel at Spencer Carn-A-Con on April 9th of 2012.

Pushing the science a hundred years into the future, I will create a cybernetic chasis that will replace 99.7 percent of my body with an assortment of laser shooting appendages, near indestructible skin, infa-red vision, and a Starbucks coffee maker, giving hope to the disabled the world over when I hand these advanced methods over to the UN to proliferate.

Also, I'll be talking about all kinds of dumb stuff that I think I know more about than say, the experts on said subject.

Can I get an 'Of Course, yeah!'?

1 comment:

Earth-2 Leigh said...

One of us!

Sorry I don't have a gay dating site for you.