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Monday, October 10, 2005

Night Thrasher = Badical

Oh man, its one o'clock, I'm at work, and shit is so boring that I want to kill myself. Maybe I can alleviate some of this boredom by checking out Dave's Long Box and see what kind of comic book dorkiness we can laugh at toda-, WHAZZAHUH?!?!?!?! Skateboarding super heroes suck!??! Night Thrasher the suxxor?!?!??!?!

I say thee nay.

To discredit a key member of the New Warriors AKA "Heroes for the 90's--!" all because he skates?! What we have here is a classic case of comic book ignorance. Well, well, well. I think its time Mr. David Campbell has a little lesson of his own to learn about the Airwolfness of the Night Thrasher.

First and foremost, let's take a look at Night Thrasher as presented by Dave's Long Box:

What we have here is your standard "strike a real mean pose" picture that is necessary for an entry into an Official Marvel Handbook. Not the most flattering picture, that we can all agree on. Law breakers and low life thugs wouldn't bat an eye at this Tae Bo move. Its 2005 and Tae Bo is shit your mother and girlfriend do to get into shape. But back in 1990? You bust some Tae Bo out on the local pimp and he be all convinced you were trained by the ghost of Bruce Lee himself! And the scarf? Well damn, make all the fun you want and but when you're laughing and there's a BLACK! METAL! FIST! PILFERING! OUT! JUSTICE! IN! YOUR! FACE!...you'll think twice about dissing on dudes with a little bit of balls when it comes to fashion.


Ok, so the scarf is lame. Let's move on to...


Aren't you glad he had a skateboard, middle aged civilian lady in danger? I bet he probably pulled a Five-Oh with a late 360 kickflip off panel before he landed!

"Hey, who's that guy that looks all fucked up from Night Thrashers blinding smoke capsule?" Its Terrax! "What?! Terrax?!?! You mean that guy who tangles with the likes of Silver Surfer and Firelord?!?" Yes, the very same one. He even pulled an indy grab on this one! Hella sick! Not only does he have skills, but he ain't afraid of shit. This guy could have been pro had his parents not been violently killed, forcing him to engage a life of vigilance.

Ok, so blinding Terrax isn't really gonna shit. He gets points for trying though.

"But what about combat? What use does this skateboard have besides getting you to and fro?" Good question.

Snikt! It turns into a god damn blade!

That's Mad Thinker's head flying off, probably thinking "Shit! How come nobody told me this punk kid had a skateboard with a blade on it??"

Pwned!!! Or should I say...PUNWNED!!!

(Ok, that was cheesy. Sorry.)

And what else does this little Night Thrasher have up his sleeve besides a skateboard of action, you're wondering? You just read Frank Castle's mind.

Click the picture to enlarge and what do we see? Garrote wire! Cayenne Pepper Spray! Plastique Explosives(3)! Magnesium Flares! 8 inch titanium blade! Sour jacks! Infra-red sighting! Computer Terminal! Belt Pack Assembly with secret compartment that defies Punisher's computers ability to figure out!

That's a fucking Uzi in that secret compartment, stupid Punisher computer!

Did I mention that he started the New Warriors pretty much by bullying everybody into joining? Because he did.

So Mr. David Campbell, I urge you to think twice next you try to snark on the New Warriors(Bagley era only. The rest of the shit is up for grabs.) unless you want to face the wrath. Because in all honesty, that Night Thrasher suit probably cost a total of $800 bucks at Sears and I've been saving up.

(Actually, I'm just kidding. Dave's site is hilarious and his skateboard/superhero post is no exception. I'm just having a laugh while posting fondly about my favorite comic book when I was 12. Keep up the good work, Dave.)


David Campbell said...

Holy shit, that ruled! I almost think Night Thrasher is cool now.

Anonymous said...

You gotta wonder if whatever wavelength the Punisher used to examine Night Thrasher's armor rendered the young Taylor sterile. 'Cause, man, that's a pretty intense probin'...

And props to any guy that has a compartment put into his suit to accommodate an UZI (thinking ahead for that special occasion...)

thekelvingreen said...

Okay, that panel with the Punisher has a weird angle on it. Is Night Thrasher hitting him in the knackers?

They need to put Thrasher in one of the Tony Hawk games, if they're still doing them.

Spencer Carnage said...


That's a frontside upper thigh slash. But yes, it does look like Mr. Castle has been properly circumsized.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure a red bandana on the right leg means he likes to watch.

Anonymous said...

you know what a real warrior uses a bandanna for?
can you say TURNAQUETTE!
how about BANDAGE!
always great to have for those sucking chest wounds or severed limbs.