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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

This one is for all you primate lovers

There is no doubt that there is mad love for our evolutionary cousins in the world of comic book blogging. Whether its talking about how awesome the Red Ghost's Super-Apes are or why you should hunt down, capture, and tame an issue of "Super Heroes Battle Super-Gorillas," monkey love is unparalled when compared to the mighty affection that the lonely comic book nerd fosters upon their man-like friends. To prove my point, go to Google Blog Search and type in '"super-ape" comics'.

As pointed out in the The Book Of Knowledge, a 20 volume encyclopedia set from 1920, they are the "ANIMALS MOST LIKE MEN." The apparent reason for our primate predilection must lie in the qualities that these animals exhibit that mirror our own.
The apes have brains like those of a child, but they are more below the savage in brain power than the savage is below you. The apes are made in body as we are made; they have great strength and courage; they make rough homes of branches and leaves, but there the likeness ends.
Take those traits and couple them with the fact that
you will probably never see in America, a full sized gorilla or an old chimpanzee, or an old orang-utan. They are too big and strong and fierce to be caught.
and you have instant primate fetishism. With all the monkey's running around in the Silver Age, you would think that Marvel and DC were on to something.

Wrong. They stole their shit from Stalin.

Moscow archives show that in the mid-1920s Russia's top animal breeding scientist, Ilya Ivanov, was ordered to turn his skills from horse and animal work to the quest for a super-warrior.

According to Moscow newspapers, Stalin told the scientist: "I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat."
To think that Russian was on the verge of producing real, live super apes is enough to make this fan boy cringe just a little bit. Who knows what the outcome of WWII would have been had there then Machine Gun Wielding Monkeys and Grenade Tossing Gorillas. We could all be living under the oppression of our communist monkey masters, which I'm sure would be a wet dream for some.

I'm looking at you, Chris.


thekelvingreen said...

I read an article (I think it was in [b]Neew Scientist[/b]) about how the US army was looking into building Iron Man-like suits.

I'm not sure whether I should be worried that the people who are supposed to be protecting us are getting all their ideas from comics...

Spencer Carnage said...

Just imagine what would happen if they got their ideas from Grant Morrison comics? That's a little scary.

Captain Infinity said...

There's no comic that can't be improved by adding an intelligent ape.

Anonymous said...

nice, cozy place you got here :)..